Your Biweekly Horrorscopes

Author’s Note: Due to some backlash from the last article, I would like to sincerely apologize to all readers who take horoscopes seriously and thought that the previous horoscopes were “an insult to a long upstanding tradition of accuracy and an attempt to undermine the legitimacy of all of that which horoscopes stand for.” It may please you to know that due to this, all horoscopes will now be written 100% seriously and be presented before a panel of certified astrologists for approval. It may also please everyone else to know that due to the author’s love for bad puns, technically this week’s article, “Horrorscopes,” does not need to follow any of that nonsense. Also, my word count has been increased to around 800, so you can now waste even more time reading this stuff.

Aries (March 21–April 19): A quick Google result says that Aries are “proverbial infants,” which probably isn’t a good thing. Aries can also be impatient, so try not to be that way. On the bright side, you are full of energy and have unmatched courage. If you directed these traits toward your studies, maybe your life would be a bit easier. Lucky monster: zombies.

Taurus (April 20–May 20): Laziness is a trait we all have, some more than others. You’re in luck: the planets will align just right for you on November 1 and you will have an average day. Lucky monster: minotaur.

Gemini (May 21–June 20): Gemini are two faced. Seriously, don’t trust them; most are compulsive liars. They are the highlight of the party though, and little white lies never hurt anybody, right? Advice: if you feel as though you might be missing real friends, try being a better person. Lucky monster: a giant spider.

Cancer (June 21–July 22): The cancer is an emotional person that loves to take care of others, but their pessimism often leads to doubting their self-worth. If you know a cancer, let them know you appreciate them. They’re probably the ones who are going to hold your hair back during Hallowgreens. Lucky monster:  Slenderman, unless you’re short—then your lucky monster is a skeleton.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): Leos love to be admired and have the attention be focused on themselves. Overall, they’re good people and sincerely try to make other people happy. They just don’t try very hard sometimes. A horrendous obstacle is coming up in your life and there’s no way to avoid it. Lucky monster: a rat king.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): Remember when I made that comment last time about “if you thought this week was bad, wait until the next one”? Well, I made that before I consulted the signs about this next week and I just want to say I’m sorry. Lucky monster: a proverbial can of worms.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): Libras love to please, but it’s important to be able to take some time for yourself too. If you find yourself questioning someone’s motives, you’re probably justified. Special event: something pleasant awaits you in Monty some time between October 30 and November 1. I tried to be more precise, but I’m not very good at this thing, sorry. Lucky monster: a literal can of worms.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21): The Scorpio is nothing if not fierce. The Scorpio is a passionate individual, but what they’re passionate about varies from person to person. Some are really into underwater basket weaving. Scorpios like to remind us time and time again that while Saint Mary’s is a public honors college, it is still a public college. Lucky monster: A big spooky ghost.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): Typically introverted and pretty witty, you probably think you’re hot stuff, but I know you didn’t say anything to that girl, buddy. That’s okay, she probably would have rejected you anyway! Lucky monster: Scott Zimmerman.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): Capricorns are determined, practical, and helpful. You may be wondering: does a Capricorn have any downsides? Are they going to get roasted too? The answer is no. Their life already sucks, so let them have this one piece that will be the only positive thing they hear about themselves all week. Lucky monster: your mom.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): An Aquarius is the DJ of the party, which is fortunate for the rest of us since their music taste is better than those Leos. Special event: someone somewhere on campus has a crush on you! If this were a Japanese anime, they would probably leave a cute note in your shoe locker, but since this isn’t, you’ll never know who it is. Lucky monster: a clown.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20): Pisces are artistic and very emotional. You will complete a piece of art you have been working on for a while, but you’ll never be satisfied with it. While you try to love everyone, some people don’t deserve it. Lucky monster: a gorilla (RIP Harambe).

Your Biweekly Horoscopes

Are you feeling lucky? Here’s some tailored advice for you to follow this October.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Have you ever watched one of those Chinese cartoons? You’re like the main character. A lot of cool things are on the horizon but you must be careful, your impatience often gets you into trouble. An opportunity to meet your soulmate is coming up on October 17 at 11:44am in the second floor of the library. You should go there if you have nothing better to do. Famous Aries: James Franco.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You may have been feeling like a side character recently, but have no fear. Game of Thrones has shown us that main characters die. A lot. Advice: get a new hobby. Famous Taurus: John Cena.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Being a free spirit is cool and all but sometimes it’s better to go with the flow, you know? Advice: don’t go fishing when your house is on fire. Go to the second floor of the library on October 17 at 11:44am for a pleasant surprise. Famous Gemini: Angelina Jolie.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): You’re a walking contradiction and no one has the cure for you (yet). Lucky spot on campus: the Pub. Avoid the library on October 17. Famous Cancer: Jaden Smith.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): If you’re unhappy in your current situation, have you tried being a theater major? Your lucky color is yellow. Advice: fortune helps those who help themselves. Famous Leo: Dicaprio.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): Advice: learn to relax. If you thought last week was bad, just wait. Famous Virgo: Amy Poehler.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): While special things will be happening to all of your friends, you’re in for a treat. Your life is going to stay exactly the same. Your spirit animal: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Famous Libra: Russell Rusko (That RA for PG).

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): If you’re ever feeling down, remember that your sign is literally a scorpion. Advice: those who don’t look ahead remain behind. Famous Scorpio: Josh Peck.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Things are looking up for you. Stop obsessing over that cute girl at the ARC and just say hi to her. Seriously. Advice: the answers to your problems aren’t inside your head. Famous Sagittarius:  Taylor Swift.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You may have a lot going on in your head, but don’t forget to take time to focus. Congratulations, great gains will come to you, but if you end up doing curls in the squat rack your lifts will go down. Advice: while your feet are on the ground you will never be able to fly. Famous Capricorn: Jim Carrey.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): It’s probably best if you take a step back and recollect yourself. Everyone needs help now and again. Call a friend and tell them you love them. Song of the week: Logic – Under Pressure. Famous Aquarius: Oprah Winfrey.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): If you forget Harambe this will be a terrible month. Advice: stop watching Netflix at 1 am. Famous Pisces: Jensen Ackles.