Every Banana Has A Purpose

Contrary to popular belief, there are no bad or ugly bananas (I have no sources to confirm this claim is indeed contrary to popular belief; however, I will proceed with this supposition). Of course, people have preferences regarding bananas. For example, my roommate prefers green to yellow bananas while I prefer yellow to brown bananas. (This set-up proves to strengthen our friendship and we maintain a healthy relationship of sharing and swapping bananas). Now, my fellow banana lovers will be able to concur that with the color variation comes change in texture and taste. That’s hitting 3 of our senses! The greener bananas have a chalky texture and bitter taste. The yellow-brown bananas are sweeter and softer. Naturally, there are arguments for the health benefits of each. This is irrelevant to my argument. Healthy schmealthy. (no this is not a sexual innuendo, we are strictly speaking bananas)

So let’s talk about bananas. But first, shout out to the Great Room for semi-consistently putting out bananas for me and my household to have. Come Sunday after brunch, my house has about 11 bananas. We eat most of these (if not all) by the next week. You would think we would have no problem with brown bananas considering our turnover rate, but indeed we consistently find ourselves stuck with these mushy messes. In our collective 84 years, we have managed to come up with a multitude of ways of using our bananas.

Of course, there’s the classic banana in cereal dish. This is a personal favorite of mine. That’s a lie; I love bananas in all forms. Anyway, another solid option is freezing bananas (please appreciate the pun). Frozen bananas are great for smoothies, or even just snacking. Frozen bananas double as the base for nice-cream (which is termed as such because of its amazing resemblance to ice-cream without any animal products). I am sorry to all of those with peanut allergies, you guys are seriously missing out on bananas with peanut butter. Bananas, peanut butter, and chocolate is hands down the best combination of flavors ever (yes this is an opinion piece, but I’m still right). Oh and don’t even get me started on cooking with bananas. Let me tell you, my housemate makes the most delicious banana bread I have ever tasted (even better than my Nanna’s but please don’t tell her). One time my housemate made banana muffins and I, for sure, thought that these would be lesser than the usual – you know, probably dry or something. Yeah, no; I was wrong.

If you’ll forgive me, I would now like to rattle off a very long list, and certainly extraneous run on sentence about just some of the other purposes and uses of bananas. We have banana pancakes (thanks Jack Johnson), banana and yogurt, almond banana granola (I made this recently 12/10 would make again), chocolate covered bananas, banana splits, banana Nutella crepe (writing this is making me hungry, just to be honest), BANANA CHIPS, strawberry and banana anything, bananas in cookies… The craziest part about all of this is that there are approximately endless variations on all these recipes.

Note: I am not even mentioning the non-edible ways to use banana such as Banana Republic, the OG knock-knock joke, sabotaging other racers in Mario Kart, banana bikes (side note: shout out to the tandem bikers; I love seeing those on campus) and of course, sexual innuendos, just to name a few off the top of my head. We would be remiss not to comment on the beautiful construction of the word “banana.” Gwen Stefani taught us how to spell it first. But I mean just look at it, if you squint a little, the word banana almost creates the shape of a banana. What great imagery to match excellent repetition of letters and pattern of consonants and vowels.

Perhaps this article makes you think a minute or two about what creative uses you may have for bananas. I certainly had fun with it. At any rate, I hope you find it to have been some comic relief from the current news themes. Until next time, enjoy your bananas!

Your Biweekly Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 19): Not everyone is a perfect girl, but for this two-week period you can be, even if you’re a guy. Random ant fact: The species Myrmecocystus mexicanus, commonly known as the honeypot ant, has some worker ants whose bodies swell with liquid food. These ants get extremely large and wind up as immobile living food sources for other more hard working ants. #Goals.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You are not a product of your circumstances. You are a product of your decisions. Very bad decisions, I might add. Seriously, why would you want to do an SMP? Nerd. Random tech advice: If you’re using yahoo as an email provider, stop. Seriously, they have more vulnerabilities than a freshman at Mardigreens.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): If you work hard, you’ll do okay on your exam. Not great or anything, but your parents will be less disappointed in you. Random gym advice: If you aren’t lifting the most in the gym, you might as well not be lifting at all.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): These fortune voodoo things can’t be positive all the time. What you did last week is going to come back to bite you, maybe not so metaphorically. You know what you did. Random Japanese phrase in phonetics for you baka gaijin: Uchinonaka no korī ga saikō no animedesu.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): If you don’t know who Alex Jones is, look him up on YouTube right now. I mean it, you won’t be disappointed. The man is a living meme machine. For those of you who know of Alex Jones, you are obligated to buy one order of Brain Force Plus. After all, top scientists and researchers agree: we are being hit by toxic weapons in the food and water supply that are making us fat, sick, and stupid. Recommended peak male performance: Alex Jones.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): Have you ever listened to a song ironically so many times that you begin to unironically enjoy it? Yeah, me neither. I totally don’t have a playlist of Sonic music on Spotify entitled “When you gotta go fast”. Ha ha. Recommended advice: Don’t use your phone to play music in the gym if you aren’t wearing headphones. I don’t want to hear your music unless you’re playing Colors by FLOW.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You might have noticed in the past few days you have seen less and less of your Libra friends. As it stands, they have been inside playing their Nintendo Switch. It could also be that they are trying to switch to a new friend group because their friends are awful. Honestly it’s a 50/50. Recommended page to follow on Facebook: SMCM Memes.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): If you wished Scott Zimmerman a happy birthday in the past two weeks, congratulations! You will find that a happy accident will occur to you in Monty at 3:15pm on March 10. If you didn’t wish Scott Zimmerman a happy birthday that’s okay; by saying “Merry Christmas Scott Zimmerman” every time you see Scott Zimmerman you might be able to redeem yourself. Recommended video game to go pro in: Catherine.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Horoscopes? More like BORE-o-scopes. I don’t mean to be too lewd, but you might get a kiss on the cheek from the girl you like. Recommended book: The Book Thief.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): If you didn’t get the housing you want, cheer up, there’s always next year. If you’re a senior and you didn’t get the housing you wanted, you can always fail and stay another year. Recommended 1,2 Switch game: Quickdraw.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You have a very strong personality. Sometimes this will be to your advantage; other times it will cause friction between you and other friends. But that’s okay, they will probably deal with it somehow. Random thought: Dang how cool is it that the Internet provides us access to all the information humanity has accumulated and most of us use it to browse memes.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): If you don’t have a girlfriend, don’t worry. Japan has some of those 3D waifus you can buy for only $2500.

SMCM Janitorial Team Sweeps Regional Championship

Staff members from the physical plant and housekeeping staff from around the college have formed a Varsity Janitorial team to enter the 50th annual Maryland state Custodian Olympics held last weekend at the University of Maryland, College Park.  The head organizer of the competition reports that “each event is designed to test a professional cleaner’s overall skill, endurance, and most of all, patience.”  Our team emerged victorious on top of seven other competing teams including the reigning champions “Mount St. Mary’s Moppers” and the dreaded “Salisbury Scrubbers,” whose families had been in the cleaning industry for generations.  

After the teams emerged from the locker rooms with newly stocked supply buckets to stands full of cheering guests, the events started. The St. Mary’s College team, the “Seahawk Sweepers,” went on to set record-breaking performances in a pentathlon that involved a pre-set course of five events: removing overflowed trash bags, tag-team relay sweeping, cleaning out a dorm microwave with a limited supply of wipes, scrubbing skid marks out of a toilet bowl, and wiping off graffiti of genitalia drawn in permanent marker from wooden tables, all as fast as possible.  Some of the other scored speed events that the team took the gold in included separating the trash from the recycling accurately, and an obstacle course “Sticky Shoes” that involved navigating a mop bucket through a floor full of spilled soda without stepping in it or wheeling over it.  

The all-day event included many festivities for the spectators. There were vendors selling hats designed to look like you were wearing a trash can or dustpan on your head among others, as well as educational pamphlets on how to keep your workplace tidy and such.  One visitor commented that “The stadium was very clean; there was no trash left in the stands or on the hallway floors.”  It is unclear if this was the case because the venue was swarming with rival custodians trying to outdo each other, or if the spectators felt angry gazes as they were about to discard their empty soda cups on the ground and just decided to clean up their act.  

Per tradition, the winning team, our St. Mary’s College of Maryland, was awarded the revered golden-toilet trophy, which looks exactly like what you’re imagining it does.  In addition to the trophy, the sponsor Sysco pledged a lifetime supply of paper towel rolls and single ply toilet paper to the winning team, which will help the college to cut down on expenses.  The team captain made a speech, how it was “a great honor” and thanking “my team, my supervisor, all our families, and the select few students who wished us good morning when they saw us in the halls instead of running in the opposite direction.”

Cryptids of St. Mary’s

The Baseball Field

Sure, you know it’s there. But where? Surely it’s not where you think it is. That would be far too obvious. “But Georgie”, you cry, “I’ve seen it; it’s on the campus maps!” Is it? Is it really? You can only truly find the baseball field after getting lost in North Woods. Keep following the paths and you’ll get somewhere, won’t you? Just keep walking. The edge of the woods approaches. You have found it. The baseball field. You hear a faint scream from the dugout, but there is no one there. The baseball team may or may not be a secret society of shapeshifters, but we can never confront them about it. Maybe it’s better this way. Go Seahawks, if we can call you that.

The Linne James Monster

It may sound like a cheap copy of the Loch Ness monster, but that’s only because it is. The Linne James Monster, however, is tiny and real. I can guarantee you’ve seen it. It lives in St. James Pond and looks like a duck diving for food, but that’s what it wants you to think. Looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, but it’s definitely not a duck. It’s actually a flesh eating monster that waits at the end of your twin XL every Thursday night. Maybe one day you will notice its cold, cold gaze. When you have looked the Linne James Monster in the eye, you mustn’t break your stare. If you do, you owe him five dollars, and no college student can afford that kind of luxury.

The Echo Man

If you’re a victim of crippling loneliness, there’s a fair chance you’ve spent some time in the Echo Circle outside Trinity Church in an attempt to feel like someone is listening to all your pitiful college problems. You listen, but when you hear a voice whispering back, it is your own. Unless, of course, you venture to the echo circle at 3:26 am and ask the Echo Man a question. He will answer you, but only one question, and only with answers you could find on a magic eight ball. I once asked him the meaning of life, and the screeching response was “Reply hazy, try again later.” My life has never been the same since that night. Try it for yourself, but don’t tell him I sent you. This hidden friend is not to be taken advantage of.


Any student who’s been at SMCM long enough and driven down Three Notch Road has seen the massive idol of Spongebob on the side of the road. We know he’s there, and we know he’s watching over our every movement and breath like The Police on their 1983 hit “I’ll be watching you”. But where is Patrick? The answer is simple: he’s here. In all of our hearts. After four cups of coffee at 2 AM, he will appear to you on campus and follow you. Patrick will bring you good luck on your exams if you find him, but no one will ever truly know his pain and the depth of his loneliness. Do not speak to him – only nod. Maybe the real treasure was the cryptids we met along the way.

Your Biweekly Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 19): Thanks to its ruling planet Mars, Aries is one of the most active zodiac signs. People born under the Aries sign are meant to emphasize the search for answers to deeper questions – such as “do tennis balls feel pain?” Recommended classic YouTube video: Pancake mines.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): They love everything that is good and beautiful, and they are often surrounded by material pleasures. People born under the Taurus sign are very sensual. Very sensual. Recommended classic YouTube video: Potter Puppet Pals: The Mysterious Ticking Noise.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Expressive and quick-witted, the Gemini represents two different sides of personality and you will never be sure with whom you will face. Someone who you thought was a tsundere can suddenly turn into a yandere. Recommended classic Newgrounds video: Animator vs Animation.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Deeply intuitive and sentimental, Cancer can be one of the most challenging Zodiac signs to get to know. A Cancer is very emotional and sensitive; it can be hard to determine exactly how they’ll take a joke. One thing is for sure though, never make fun of their hair, no matter how silly it looks. Recommended classic Newgrounds video: Salad Fingers.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): A Leo is a pretty okay person. There’s not much more to say about them, sorry. Recommended classic YouTube video: shoes.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): The Virgo, as opposed to the Leo, actually has TOO much to talk about. Virgos are good looking, intelligent, strong, and just all around great people. Have you ever heard a Virgo sing? Me neither, but I’m sure they’d be good at that too. Everyone wishes they were a Virgo. Everyone. Recommended YuGiOh card: Black Luster Soldier – Envoy of the Beginning.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Alright, here’s the deal with Libras: they smell good. Seriously, if you know a Libra don’t be afraid to come up from behind them and give them a good ol’ whiff. Actually, maybe don’t do exactly that, but still. They are not too hard to look at either. Recommended game to avoid: Halo 5: Guardians.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Scorpios are gluttons. If you’re offering to pay for dinner for a Scorpio, that was your second mistake. Your first mistake was talking to a Scorpio. Good luck will come to you, but only if every time you see Scott Zimmerman you say “Happy birthday, Scott Zimmerman!” Recommended play in Rock-Paper-Scissors: Rock.  

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The Sagittarius is a noble creature, but no matter how many times you tell them how great they are they will never believe you. They are sometimes a bit scatterbrained, but that’s just because they believe that life is too short to spend thinking about one thing for too long. Recommended game to avoid: Halo 5: Guardians. I just want to stress that NO ONE should play this game.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Capricorns have an interesting birthday range. As a kid, they probably didn’t have many people show up to their birthday parties due to the proximity of both Christmas AND New Year’s. Or they didn’t have very many friends, it’s tough to say. Recommended activity to avoid: Clubbing baby seals.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You are now aware that you are breathing. You are also aware that you’re wearing clothes. If you aren’t wearing clothes, why are you reading these horoscopes? What’s wrong with you? Why are you the way that you are? Recommended lift: Deadlift.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Making fun of a Pisces is as easy as shooting fish in a barrel. I had many nice things written about Pisces, but I didn’t want to lie. Recommended Fake News source: The Point News.

John Cena Visits Campus: A Detailed Report

On February 4th, five-year United States champion John Felix Anthony Cena of World Wrestling Entertainment fame visited campus to host several small workshops and deliver a speech followed by presentation on the physics and aerodynamics of the Five Moves of Doom, titled “YOU WANT SOME? COME GET SOME!”  

As he first arrived in the morning hours when many students were skipping their 8 a.m.’s, he was ushered promptly to the ARC where the SMCM wrestling team and a few other club athletes were up bright and early, eagerly awaiting the superstar’s arrival.  I was, of course, not allowed into the ARC due to the pastrami incident last May, but a very bruised inside source who was sporting some sort of flashy looking new belt gave me an overview.  Apparently, Mr. Cena conversed with the attendees about their goals and ambitions, gave some tactical wrestling advice, and, as expected, demonstrated some moves.  The family of the wrestling team captain would like us to remind you that there is a station outside the great room where you can send your wishes and write a get-well card to their son.  Keep him in your thoughts and prayers.  

After lunch, Mr. Cena met with majors and minors in the TFMS department in Bruce Davis Theater to discuss the more artistic side of his career.  I listened to bits and pieces from the door for the first ten minutes or so before realizing that I was actually eligible to attend thanks to my acting class, so in I went.  Thankfully no one noticed me tiptoeing to a seat, for they were already deep in discussion of the cultural implications and historical influences of Scooby-Doo! WrestleMania Mystery!, considered by many as the high point of Cena’s filmography.  

In addition to the enlightening commentary, he answered some questions from the attendees.  One memorable one was when the person in the seat in front of me asked about Cena’s heritage. We learned that he’s part Hispanic, with his last name translating roughly to “dinner,” a name which this reporter would induce comes from a long history of eating up their challengers for dinner.  His parents took his first name from John the Baptist, because even in diapers he would baptize his opponents in pain.  

I learned some interesting things from the lecture itself, which took place in the evening; the content was accessible to a general audience.  Brock Lesnar even appeared as a surprise guest, and the two had an epic brawl, allowing us to see the scientific principles of his speech applied.  However, it didn’t have the expected attendance turnout.  On the one hand, the admission price for the lecture was $59.95 ($44.95 for DirectTV subscribers).  The Programs Board has another theory, notes the director – “it just so happened that many of the students who had expressed interest in attending had other engagements when the day of the event rolled around.”  “I guess you could say,” Mr. Cena commented about the attendance, “their time is up, so they can’t see me.”

Your Biweekly Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 19): A picture is worth a thousand words, and that’s why you have no matches on Tinder. Don’t worry though, Fire Emblem Heroes just came out on mobile devices so you’ll have plenty to keep the crippling loneliness off your mind. Recommended movie: Cool Cat Saves the Kids.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Did you know that the chorus in Panic at the Disco’s hit I Write Sins Not Tragedies goes “I chime in with a haven’t you people ever heard of closing a gosh darn door?” No – seriously, look it up! In other news, you will be unable to gain weight this week no matter how many calories you consume. Don’t believe me? Try it for yourself! Recommended movie: Cool Cat Saves the Kids.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): They say there’s nothing like a Gemini by your side. You will bring all the people around you great happiness. However in exchange, your week will be pretty sub-par. Recommended movie: Cool Cat Saves the Kids.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): I’m channeling the cosmic entities that be for this one, it ought to be a doozy. You may want to sit down. Are you sitting down yet? Alright, here it is: You will learn that something is not as it appears. It could be that what you see as “green” everyone else sees as “blue,” or perhaps you will find out you’re adopted. We’ll see how the week goes. Recommended movie: Cool Cat Saves the Kids.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Whenever life has you down, just remember that people win money playing video games. Recommended movie: Cool Cat Saves the Kids.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): Virgos are very book smart, however they tend to lack the knowledge to thrive in real life. Help a Virgo and they will never forget the kindness you have shown them. Everyone needs help tying their shoes once in a while, right? Recommended movie: Monty Python and How Cool Cat Saved the Kids.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): A Libra is a beautiful creature to behold. Not to be confused with a zebra. Recommended movie: Cool Cat Goes Wild Saving the Kids.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): People are happiest when they can maximize their effort to success ratio. Some people see this as an excuse to try harder so that they can enjoy success, but a Scorpio is the kind of person who uses that as an excuse to try even less, that way even moderate success feels like an accomplishment. Recommended Visual Novel: Cool Cat Saves the Kids: An Anti-Bullying and Gun Safety Movie.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): We all know that one Sagittarius who has seen Cool Cat Saves the Kids one too many times. For this, the Sagittarius has been blessed with good fortune. But still, one can never be too careful. Recommended movie: Cool Cat Saves the Kids.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Capricorns usually get a lot of hate. It’s not that it’s necessarily undeserved, in fact, the Capricorn usually deserves everything you say about them, so feel free to turn on the fryer for your Capricorn “friends.” We can pretend you’re only joking. Recommended sci-fi: Cool Cat Saves the Kids.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Great success will come to you, but only if you come to the Video Game Club meetings on Saturdays in Schaefer 165 between 6 and 8. Oh, you wanted something funny? Your life. Recommended movie: Cool Cats Go To Heaven.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): At last, we reach the Pisces. An elusive specimen, you will often find them in the library. No matter how much time they spend there, we know that they should really spend more. Recommended movie: Cool Cat Episode 3: Saving the Kids.

Club Spotlight: The Alternative Percussion Collective

The Office of Studential Activities in association with the Musicality Department would like to alert the campus to the newest student-led club approved by the Student Association of Government during last Tuesday’s meeting by a vote of 1 (with 99 abstaining).  The Alternative Percussion Collective invites any boys and girls interested in the craft of contemporary noise-making to attend their interest meeting this weekend.  The president of the club, a 5th year senior, whose real name no one knows so they just call him “Mallet,” comments that, “Life is as short and as impermanent as a sound wave.  In life we strive to be memorable, likewise it is best to make lots of waves and make sure that they’re really loud.” 

Mallet also informed The Point News that “we hope the collective will be a great way for our fellow students to relax, learn, and make new friends – and lose many others.”  The club’s meeting place varies between the many study rooms in the residence halls.  The meeting time is nominally “24 hours a day,” but the members prefer to practice at night.  The club’s Vice President, having adopted the title of Sister Drumstick, clarifies: “In the first few days we’ve found that having many people making music in the same place at the same time can mess up everyone’s rhythm.  So we’ve adopted a sort of ‘divide and conquer’ approach, so that more people can hear us practicing, getting jealous and wanting to join us.” 

The mission statement of the club is to leave no place or time in a residence hall without noise.  Studies show that students doing work with loud ambient noises are 100% more likely to be successful in their tasks, assuming the tasks are all defined as staying awake.  What makes the club unique – the “alternative” part of the club’s name – comes from the fact that they don’t actually use any instruments.  According to the club treasurer, Brother Fist, “The SAG didn’t give us enough funds to purchase actual drum sets,” but this did not stop these passionate individuals, for, “we had to make do with what we had: our own bodies.”  He goes on, “we’ve found that stomping on the ground, slamming the study room furniture around, and just sort of hurling our bodies against the wall all have the same effect as music.” 

The Club’s webpage credits the inspiration for its formation to John Cage, famous composer of the piano piece “4’33.”  He recognized that everyday sounds such as city traffic – and in the club’s case, excessively obnoxious thrashing about – had a certain musical quality to it.  The hypocrisy of a noise-loving club comparing themselves to the self-dubbed “silent composer” is most likely just intended to make people even more angry at them.  The club’s first public performance will be titled “Earthquake” and feature the Amateur Opera Singers Club, the other controversial club from last year that people have complained about.  It will be performed in each common room every night of finals week. 

Your Biweekly Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 19): Born under a fire sign, Aries are some of the most energetic people you’ll ever meet. However, these individuals are also extremely thickheaded. You’ll know an Aries when, despite your protests, they insist on taking another shot – and another. Most compatible with: Taurus. Lucky body part: right elbow.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): They say that when your nose itches it means someone is thinking about you. I’m sure it’s been quite some time since that’s happened. Don’t worry, since fortune favors you this week, you will do okay on that exam. Thing to avoid: melons.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Geminis are always thinking, but it’s often about nothing. When they get bored, they make sure everyone knows it. If you want to know the secret to a Gemini’s heart – it’s through their brain. I don’t mean in some romantic metaphorical way about how you have to be intellectually stimulating or whatever, I mean literally. For some reason, Geminis are obsessed with tiny objects such as stickers, marbles, pebbles, etc, but something about the size of a pencil case begins to lose their interest. Word of the week: staphylococcus.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Cancers are more sensitive to their surroundings than most. These are the kinds of people who will judge you based on how you decorate your room but insist that it looks “totally cool.” Cancers are extremely emotional and love feeling comfortable, and every cancer owns a pair of fuzzy socks that they hold dear to their heart. Song of the week: Fortune (feat. Sam Lachow) – Lost Triibe.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): If you have any friends that are Leos, I’m so sorry for you. I’m kidding (mostly) but you probably already know that Leos require ~51% of your attention at all times or else their self-esteem will drastically fall. Leos want to feel good. The one thing everyone loves about Leos is that they know how to throw a party. Historical event that may or may not be interesting: The Mary Celeste Disappearance, 1872.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): Virgos like to put things in order and when things are order of out, Virgos become quite upset. Virgos are very earthy people, they love to garden, however they also hate getting dirty. You may find yourself shaken by recent happenings in your life, but hold strong. No one said life was going to be easy. Lucky letter of the alphabet: Q. Nobody really appreciates Q, which is why you relate on a spiritual level with this letter.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Libras are always in relationships because they love harmony. Their judgment about partners is pretty reliable. Usually. Lucky service provider: Verizon. Bring something you’ve been meaning to give away to the docks on November 12.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Scorpios are hard to talk to, but this isn’t because they have nothing to say. Instead, they usually have too much on their minds. Scorpios are all about deep conversations and exploring the true nature of the world. We all become Scorpios around 3 am. Everyone appreciates a meaningful conversation now and again, but beware, you might suddenly find yourself a philosophy major. Recommended TV show: Bojack Horseman.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): All Sagittarius have an inclination toward Buddhism. If life has been going your way – great! If not – less great! Gibberish that makes sense to you: nothing is everything, everything is nothing. If you’ve been debating about whether or not to do something, you might as well. We’re all going to die someday so you might as well be happy in the meantime. Lucky pizza: bacon and pineapple.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Capricorns love to help and serve others. Don’t forget to take the time to help yourself. Take the time this month to align with oneself. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds like something a horoscope would advise. Lucky instrument: Tuba.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): They say between genius and insanity is a very thin line. Aquarius are forward thinkers, they are always looking ahead, seen as visionaries by their peers. Aquarius love people, but hate individuals. An Aquarius will always speak their mind, for better or worse. Something special is waiting for you by the docks on November 12.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Pisces tend to space out a lot, but that’s just because they have a terrible attention span. Some of the most attractive individuals are Pisces. So are some of the least attractive. Famous Pisces: Harambe.

The Four Best Places On Campus to Spot a Dog

St. Mary’s College of Maryland is renowned for its beautiful outdoor environment.  On nice days, students will often encounter a visiting family or a local on a walk with their favorite pet through campus, allowing said students the unique opportunity to witness something both joyful and fluffy, and perhaps even the opportunity to pet it.  Here are the best spots to hang out at in order to increase your chances of spotting such a majestic creature.  

  1. Roofs.  While it’s true that most dogs lack the limb flexibility to ascend a ladder, that is of no circumstance.  Elevated places are generally well-regarded for their ability to allow individuals a wide range of vision.  Consider this: if you are standing on the ground, there may be a dog on the other side of the hill that you’re unaware of, but if you’re up on Monty’s Roof, you just might catch a glimpse!  (Note: The Point News does not condone trespassing on staff only areas of school property, so you heard it from a friend).    
  1. Computer Labs. It’s an unfortunate fact of life, but pets throughout history have generally not been permitted inside academic buildings.  But dry your tears, for now there is a neat workaround!  Most of these buildings contain computers, and these devices are fit with an internet connection that can help you.  Doug Walker, sophomore, describes the process: “I just typed ‘dog’ into the search bar, and bam! There’s a whole row of canines for me to admire.”  Try it yourself next time you find yourself stuck indoors.  
  1. An empty athletic field at night.  Most people who walk dogs do so during the day, but what if it is night, the labs are closed, and you want to see a dog?  Well, ask the Heavens and ye shall find.  If you get away from the lights of civilization, wear some expensive jewelry, and fix your attention to the southern celestial hemisphere, you might see the constellation Canis Major.  “It was to be such a noble and mesmerizing dog,” said Anima Traner, freshman, “that I didn’t even notice my jewelry had disappeared.”  
  1. An animal shelter.  I know what you must be thinking – wait, the local animal shelter isn’t on campus!  However, wouldn’t it be convenient if it was on campus? Well, you and your friends can get together, raise some funds, and offer to buy the property from the county and annex it for the college!  I reached out to the Commissioner of Pet and Property Affairs for just this purpose and this was the response: “That lot is not up for sale.”  If you encounter this problem, have no fear, for, you guessed it, there’s a solution: offer more money!  The corruption of greed is bound to kick in eventually, and the ends justify the means in your quest to have the image of a dog implanted in your visual cortex.  

Best of luck!