Your Annual Horriblescopes

Aries (March 21-April 19): It’s birthday time for Aries. Don’t forget about the highly-anticipated (dreaded?) pond tradition here at SMCM. Despite the crazy Maryland weather, you’ll have a decently well-rounded month. Recommended news source: Scott Zimmerman’s Facebook page.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Senioritis is probably hitting you right about now, but that’s fine – you’re probably already failing anyway. So, where are you going with your life, hm? Hmmmmmmmmmmmm? Recommended technological device: a GPS.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): If you’ve been seeing more of your Gemini friends lately, they may be procrastinating some work that they didn’t finish over this past Spring break. If this is the case, order them a pizza, lock them in their room with their work, and hope for the best. Recommended heated debate: whether or not pineapples belong on pizza.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): This will be a vaguely interesting month for Cancer. This is a challenging sign to decipher, so you may want to ask your Sagittarius friends for some advice. Recommended grammatical detail: the Oxford comma.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Puns are great, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Example: What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business. If you didn’t laugh, something’s not right and I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it. Recommended movie: The Return of Cool Cat (not yet rated).

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): This might sound cheesy, but I think Virgo peeps are pretty grate. (Still nothing? A chuckle? No?) Recommended journalist: Drew Merryman.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Libras may need a bit of additional guidance and assistance this month, but that’s probably nothing new. Don’t be alarmed if you see them wandering the paths around campus, they’re probably just contemplating a bird’s bodily functions. Recommended fun fact: peeing and farting are not in a bird’s biology. They don’t ever do either.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): It’s a proven fact that glasses make you appear smarter. It’s true – I’ve been faking it since the third grade. And if I can do it, so can you. I promise. Recommended insult: nerd.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A recent concern of your Sagittarius friends may be: how do I keep playing Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild without failing all my classes? Also, they are probably thinking about this while in class. Recommended video game: Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Green tea will be your best friend this week. No particular reason, but I bet you’re wearing green at some point so naturally you’ll be craving green tea. Recommend snack: Buffalo-flavored pretzels. And maybe some tea.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Pisces folks are super fun to be around, and this week they will prove it to you. Be on the lookout for some amusing shenanigans and be sure to document it with pictures so you have proof, just in case. Recommended fruit: bananas.

Your Biweekly Horrorscopes

Author’s Note: Due to some backlash from the last article, I would like to sincerely apologize to all readers who take horoscopes seriously and thought that the previous horoscopes were “an insult to a long upstanding tradition of accuracy and an attempt to undermine the legitimacy of all of that which horoscopes stand for.” It may please you to know that due to this, all horoscopes will now be written 100% seriously and be presented before a panel of certified astrologists for approval. It may also please everyone else to know that due to the author’s love for bad puns, technically this week’s article, “Horrorscopes,” does not need to follow any of that nonsense. Also, my word count has been increased to around 800, so you can now waste even more time reading this stuff.


Aries (March 21–April 19): A quick Google result says that Aries are “proverbial infants,” which probably isn’t a good thing. Aries can also be impatient, so try not to be that way. On the bright side, you are full of energy and have unmatched courage. If you directed these traits toward your studies, maybe your life would be a bit easier. Lucky monster: zombies.

Taurus (April 20–May 20): Laziness is a trait we all have, some more than others. You’re in luck: the planets will align just right for you on November 1 and you will have an average day. Lucky monster: minotaur.

Gemini (May 21–June 20): Gemini are two faced. Seriously, don’t trust them; most are compulsive liars. They are the highlight of the party though, and little white lies never hurt anybody, right? Advice: if you feel as though you might be missing real friends, try being a better person. Lucky monster: a giant spider.

Cancer (June 21–July 22): The cancer is an emotional person that loves to take care of others, but their pessimism often leads to doubting their self-worth. If you know a cancer, let them know you appreciate them. They’re probably the ones who are going to hold your hair back during Hallowgreens. Lucky monster:  Slenderman, unless you’re short—then your lucky monster is a skeleton.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): Leos love to be admired and have the attention be focused on themselves. Overall, they’re good people and sincerely try to make other people happy. They just don’t try very hard sometimes. A horrendous obstacle is coming up in your life and there’s no way to avoid it. Lucky monster: a rat king.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): Remember when I made that comment last time about “if you thought this week was bad, wait until the next one”? Well, I made that before I consulted the signs about this next week and I just want to say I’m sorry. Lucky monster: a proverbial can of worms.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): Libras love to please, but it’s important to be able to take some time for yourself too. If you find yourself questioning someone’s motives, you’re probably justified. Special event: something pleasant awaits you in Monty some time between October 30 and November 1. I tried to be more precise, but I’m not very good at this thing, sorry. Lucky monster: a literal can of worms.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21): The Scorpio is nothing if not fierce. The Scorpio is a passionate individual, but what they’re passionate about varies from person to person. Some are really into underwater basket weaving. Scorpios like to remind us time and time again that while Saint Mary’s is a public honors college, it is still a public college. Lucky monster: A big spooky ghost.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): Typically introverted and pretty witty, you probably think you’re hot stuff, but I know you didn’t say anything to that girl, buddy. That’s okay, she probably would have rejected you anyway! Lucky monster: Scott Zimmerman.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): Capricorns are determined, practical, and helpful. You may be wondering: does a Capricorn have any downsides? Are they going to get roasted too? The answer is no. Their life already sucks, so let them have this one piece that will be the only positive thing they hear about themselves all week. Lucky monster: your mom.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): An Aquarius is the DJ of the party, which is fortunate for the rest of us since their music taste is better than those Leos. Special event: someone somewhere on campus has a crush on you! If this were a Japanese anime, they would probably leave a cute note in your shoe locker, but since this isn’t, you’ll never know who it is. Lucky monster: a clown.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20): Pisces are artistic and very emotional. You will complete a piece of art you have been working on for a while, but you’ll never be satisfied with it. While you try to love everyone, some people don’t deserve it. Lucky monster: a gorilla (RIP Harambe).

Your Biweekly Horoscopes

Are you feeling lucky? Here’s some tailored advice for you to follow this October.


Aries (March 21-April 19): Have you ever watched one of those Chinese cartoons? You’re like the main character. A lot of cool things are on the horizon but you must be careful, your impatience often gets you into trouble. An opportunity to meet your soulmate is coming up on October 17 at 11:44am in the second floor of the library. You should go there if you have nothing better to do. Famous Aries: James Franco.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You may have been feeling like a side character recently, but have no fear. Game of Thrones has shown us that main characters die. A lot. Advice: get a new hobby. Famous Taurus: John Cena.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Being a free spirit is cool and all but sometimes it’s better to go with the flow, you know? Advice: don’t go fishing when your house is on fire. Go to the second floor of the library on October 17 at 11:44am for a pleasant surprise. Famous Gemini: Angelina Jolie.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): You’re a walking contradiction and no one has the cure for you (yet). Lucky spot on campus: the Pub. Avoid the library on October 17. Famous Cancer: Jaden Smith.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): If you’re unhappy in your current situation, have you tried being a theater major? Your lucky color is yellow. Advice: fortune helps those who help themselves. Famous Leo: Dicaprio.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): Advice: learn to relax. If you thought last week was bad, just wait. Famous Virgo: Amy Poehler.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): While special things will be happening to all of your friends, you’re in for a treat. Your life is going to stay exactly the same. Your spirit animal: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Famous Libra: Russell Rusko (That RA for PG).

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): If you’re ever feeling down, remember that your sign is literally a scorpion. Advice: those who don’t look ahead remain behind. Famous Scorpio: Josh Peck.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Things are looking up for you. Stop obsessing over that cute girl at the ARC and just say hi to her. Seriously. Advice: the answers to your problems aren’t inside your head. Famous Sagittarius:  Taylor Swift.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You may have a lot going on in your head, but don’t forget to take time to focus. Congratulations, great gains will come to you, but if you end up doing curls in the squat rack your lifts will go down. Advice: while your feet are on the ground you will never be able to fly. Famous Capricorn: Jim Carrey.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): It’s probably best if you take a step back and recollect yourself. Everyone needs help now and again. Call a friend and tell them you love them. Song of the week: Logic – Under Pressure. Famous Aquarius: Oprah Winfrey.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): If you forget Harambe this will be a terrible month. Advice: stop watching Netflix at 1 am. Famous Pisces: Jensen Ackles.

Dr. Petersson Discusses Protein Folding at NS&M

Dr. E. James Petersson, an organic and biological chemist from the University of Pennsylvania has been doing research on protein folding to discover how it moves and what shapes it takes in relation to diseases like Parkinson’s. As he explained at the first Natural Science and Math Colloquium of the semester, which took place on Wednesday, Sep. 12 at 4:40 pm in Schaefer Hall 106, “the shape of the proteins governs function” and when proteins misfold you get negative results.

Through PowerPoint slides, Dr. Petersson explained why the shape and motion of proteins is important, about getting structural information when probes attach to proteins, and that he uses fluorescence techniques in his research.

In CGI movies, motion probes are used to capture the precise movements of the actors. Dr. Petersson is using this exact technique but with extremely small probes that will track what shapes the protein folds into and the distance between proteins. Fluorescence was used to help determine the distance between proteins in the folding process. In order to continue experimenting, Dr. Petersson wanted to apply his research to larger proteins, so his lab began to create their own amino acids to make larger proteins; otherwise, they would have to buy them. By applying his research to diseases like Prion disease (mad cow) and Parkinson’s, perhaps people can understand how proteins misfold and what causes it.

Most of the students who attended the lecture were likely chemistry or biology students, but Dr. Petersson spoke candidly so those who hadn’t taken biology or chemistry classes could understand the general idea. His lecture was received in a respectful manner and given undivided attention.