Your Biweekly Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 19): Not everyone is a perfect girl, but for this two-week period you can be, even if you’re a guy. Random ant fact: The species Myrmecocystus mexicanus, commonly known as the honeypot ant, has some worker ants whose bodies swell with liquid food. These ants get extremely large and wind up as immobile living food sources for other more hard working ants. #Goals.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You are not a product of your circumstances. You are a product of your decisions. Very bad decisions, I might add. Seriously, why would you want to do an SMP? Nerd. Random tech advice: If you’re using yahoo as an email provider, stop. Seriously, they have more vulnerabilities than a freshman at Mardigreens.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): If you work hard, you’ll do okay on your exam. Not great or anything, but your parents will be less disappointed in you. Random gym advice: If you aren’t lifting the most in the gym, you might as well not be lifting at all.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): These fortune voodoo things can’t be positive all the time. What you did last week is going to come back to bite you, maybe not so metaphorically. You know what you did. Random Japanese phrase in phonetics for you baka gaijin: Uchinonaka no korī ga saikō no animedesu.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): If you don’t know who Alex Jones is, look him up on YouTube right now. I mean it, you won’t be disappointed. The man is a living meme machine. For those of you who know of Alex Jones, you are obligated to buy one order of Brain Force Plus. After all, top scientists and researchers agree: we are being hit by toxic weapons in the food and water supply that are making us fat, sick, and stupid. Recommended peak male performance: Alex Jones.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): Have you ever listened to a song ironically so many times that you begin to unironically enjoy it? Yeah, me neither. I totally don’t have a playlist of Sonic music on Spotify entitled “When you gotta go fast”. Ha ha. Recommended advice: Don’t use your phone to play music in the gym if you aren’t wearing headphones. I don’t want to hear your music unless you’re playing Colors by FLOW.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You might have noticed in the past few days you have seen less and less of your Libra friends. As it stands, they have been inside playing their Nintendo Switch. It could also be that they are trying to switch to a new friend group because their friends are awful. Honestly it’s a 50/50. Recommended page to follow on Facebook: SMCM Memes.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): If you wished Scott Zimmerman a happy birthday in the past two weeks, congratulations! You will find that a happy accident will occur to you in Monty at 3:15pm on March 10. If you didn’t wish Scott Zimmerman a happy birthday that’s okay; by saying “Merry Christmas Scott Zimmerman” every time you see Scott Zimmerman you might be able to redeem yourself. Recommended video game to go pro in: Catherine.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Horoscopes? More like BORE-o-scopes. I don’t mean to be too lewd, but you might get a kiss on the cheek from the girl you like. Recommended book: The Book Thief.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): If you didn’t get the housing you want, cheer up, there’s always next year. If you’re a senior and you didn’t get the housing you wanted, you can always fail and stay another year. Recommended 1,2 Switch game: Quickdraw.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You have a very strong personality. Sometimes this will be to your advantage; other times it will cause friction between you and other friends. But that’s okay, they will probably deal with it somehow. Random thought: Dang how cool is it that the Internet provides us access to all the information humanity has accumulated and most of us use it to browse memes.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): If you don’t have a girlfriend, don’t worry. Japan has some of those 3D waifus you can buy for only $2500.

Your Biweekly Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 19): Thanks to its ruling planet Mars, Aries is one of the most active zodiac signs. People born under the Aries sign are meant to emphasize the search for answers to deeper questions – such as “do tennis balls feel pain?” Recommended classic YouTube video: Pancake mines.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): They love everything that is good and beautiful, and they are often surrounded by material pleasures. People born under the Taurus sign are very sensual. Very sensual. Recommended classic YouTube video: Potter Puppet Pals: The Mysterious Ticking Noise.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Expressive and quick-witted, the Gemini represents two different sides of personality and you will never be sure with whom you will face. Someone who you thought was a tsundere can suddenly turn into a yandere. Recommended classic Newgrounds video: Animator vs Animation.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Deeply intuitive and sentimental, Cancer can be one of the most challenging Zodiac signs to get to know. A Cancer is very emotional and sensitive; it can be hard to determine exactly how they’ll take a joke. One thing is for sure though, never make fun of their hair, no matter how silly it looks. Recommended classic Newgrounds video: Salad Fingers.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): A Leo is a pretty okay person. There’s not much more to say about them, sorry. Recommended classic YouTube video: shoes.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): The Virgo, as opposed to the Leo, actually has TOO much to talk about. Virgos are good looking, intelligent, strong, and just all around great people. Have you ever heard a Virgo sing? Me neither, but I’m sure they’d be good at that too. Everyone wishes they were a Virgo. Everyone. Recommended YuGiOh card: Black Luster Soldier – Envoy of the Beginning.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Alright, here’s the deal with Libras: they smell good. Seriously, if you know a Libra don’t be afraid to come up from behind them and give them a good ol’ whiff. Actually, maybe don’t do exactly that, but still. They are not too hard to look at either. Recommended game to avoid: Halo 5: Guardians.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Scorpios are gluttons. If you’re offering to pay for dinner for a Scorpio, that was your second mistake. Your first mistake was talking to a Scorpio. Good luck will come to you, but only if every time you see Scott Zimmerman you say “Happy birthday, Scott Zimmerman!” Recommended play in Rock-Paper-Scissors: Rock.  

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The Sagittarius is a noble creature, but no matter how many times you tell them how great they are they will never believe you. They are sometimes a bit scatterbrained, but that’s just because they believe that life is too short to spend thinking about one thing for too long. Recommended game to avoid: Halo 5: Guardians. I just want to stress that NO ONE should play this game.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Capricorns have an interesting birthday range. As a kid, they probably didn’t have many people show up to their birthday parties due to the proximity of both Christmas AND New Year’s. Or they didn’t have very many friends, it’s tough to say. Recommended activity to avoid: Clubbing baby seals.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You are now aware that you are breathing. You are also aware that you’re wearing clothes. If you aren’t wearing clothes, why are you reading these horoscopes? What’s wrong with you? Why are you the way that you are? Recommended lift: Deadlift.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Making fun of a Pisces is as easy as shooting fish in a barrel. I had many nice things written about Pisces, but I didn’t want to lie. Recommended Fake News source: The Point News.

Your Biweekly Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 19): A picture is worth a thousand words, and that’s why you have no matches on Tinder. Don’t worry though, Fire Emblem Heroes just came out on mobile devices so you’ll have plenty to keep the crippling loneliness off your mind. Recommended movie: Cool Cat Saves the Kids.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Did you know that the chorus in Panic at the Disco’s hit I Write Sins Not Tragedies goes “I chime in with a haven’t you people ever heard of closing a gosh darn door?” No – seriously, look it up! In other news, you will be unable to gain weight this week no matter how many calories you consume. Don’t believe me? Try it for yourself! Recommended movie: Cool Cat Saves the Kids.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): They say there’s nothing like a Gemini by your side. You will bring all the people around you great happiness. However in exchange, your week will be pretty sub-par. Recommended movie: Cool Cat Saves the Kids.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): I’m channeling the cosmic entities that be for this one, it ought to be a doozy. You may want to sit down. Are you sitting down yet? Alright, here it is: You will learn that something is not as it appears. It could be that what you see as “green” everyone else sees as “blue,” or perhaps you will find out you’re adopted. We’ll see how the week goes. Recommended movie: Cool Cat Saves the Kids.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Whenever life has you down, just remember that people win money playing video games. Recommended movie: Cool Cat Saves the Kids.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): Virgos are very book smart, however they tend to lack the knowledge to thrive in real life. Help a Virgo and they will never forget the kindness you have shown them. Everyone needs help tying their shoes once in a while, right? Recommended movie: Monty Python and How Cool Cat Saved the Kids.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): A Libra is a beautiful creature to behold. Not to be confused with a zebra. Recommended movie: Cool Cat Goes Wild Saving the Kids.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): People are happiest when they can maximize their effort to success ratio. Some people see this as an excuse to try harder so that they can enjoy success, but a Scorpio is the kind of person who uses that as an excuse to try even less, that way even moderate success feels like an accomplishment. Recommended Visual Novel: Cool Cat Saves the Kids: An Anti-Bullying and Gun Safety Movie.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): We all know that one Sagittarius who has seen Cool Cat Saves the Kids one too many times. For this, the Sagittarius has been blessed with good fortune. But still, one can never be too careful. Recommended movie: Cool Cat Saves the Kids.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Capricorns usually get a lot of hate. It’s not that it’s necessarily undeserved, in fact, the Capricorn usually deserves everything you say about them, so feel free to turn on the fryer for your Capricorn “friends.” We can pretend you’re only joking. Recommended sci-fi: Cool Cat Saves the Kids.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Great success will come to you, but only if you come to the Video Game Club meetings on Saturdays in Schaefer 165 between 6 and 8. Oh, you wanted something funny? Your life. Recommended movie: Cool Cats Go To Heaven.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): At last, we reach the Pisces. An elusive specimen, you will often find them in the library. No matter how much time they spend there, we know that they should really spend more. Recommended movie: Cool Cat Episode 3: Saving the Kids.

Your Biweekly Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 19): Born under a fire sign, Aries are some of the most energetic people you’ll ever meet. However, these individuals are also extremely thickheaded. You’ll know an Aries when, despite your protests, they insist on taking another shot – and another. Most compatible with: Taurus. Lucky body part: right elbow.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): They say that when your nose itches it means someone is thinking about you. I’m sure it’s been quite some time since that’s happened. Don’t worry, since fortune favors you this week, you will do okay on that exam. Thing to avoid: melons.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Geminis are always thinking, but it’s often about nothing. When they get bored, they make sure everyone knows it. If you want to know the secret to a Gemini’s heart – it’s through their brain. I don’t mean in some romantic metaphorical way about how you have to be intellectually stimulating or whatever, I mean literally. For some reason, Geminis are obsessed with tiny objects such as stickers, marbles, pebbles, etc, but something about the size of a pencil case begins to lose their interest. Word of the week: staphylococcus.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Cancers are more sensitive to their surroundings than most. These are the kinds of people who will judge you based on how you decorate your room but insist that it looks “totally cool.” Cancers are extremely emotional and love feeling comfortable, and every cancer owns a pair of fuzzy socks that they hold dear to their heart. Song of the week: Fortune (feat. Sam Lachow) – Lost Triibe.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): If you have any friends that are Leos, I’m so sorry for you. I’m kidding (mostly) but you probably already know that Leos require ~51% of your attention at all times or else their self-esteem will drastically fall. Leos want to feel good. The one thing everyone loves about Leos is that they know how to throw a party. Historical event that may or may not be interesting: The Mary Celeste Disappearance, 1872.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): Virgos like to put things in order and when things are order of out, Virgos become quite upset. Virgos are very earthy people, they love to garden, however they also hate getting dirty. You may find yourself shaken by recent happenings in your life, but hold strong. No one said life was going to be easy. Lucky letter of the alphabet: Q. Nobody really appreciates Q, which is why you relate on a spiritual level with this letter.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Libras are always in relationships because they love harmony. Their judgment about partners is pretty reliable. Usually. Lucky service provider: Verizon. Bring something you’ve been meaning to give away to the docks on November 12.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Scorpios are hard to talk to, but this isn’t because they have nothing to say. Instead, they usually have too much on their minds. Scorpios are all about deep conversations and exploring the true nature of the world. We all become Scorpios around 3 am. Everyone appreciates a meaningful conversation now and again, but beware, you might suddenly find yourself a philosophy major. Recommended TV show: Bojack Horseman.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): All Sagittarius have an inclination toward Buddhism. If life has been going your way – great! If not – less great! Gibberish that makes sense to you: nothing is everything, everything is nothing. If you’ve been debating about whether or not to do something, you might as well. We’re all going to die someday so you might as well be happy in the meantime. Lucky pizza: bacon and pineapple.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Capricorns love to help and serve others. Don’t forget to take the time to help yourself. Take the time this month to align with oneself. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds like something a horoscope would advise. Lucky instrument: Tuba.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): They say between genius and insanity is a very thin line. Aquarius are forward thinkers, they are always looking ahead, seen as visionaries by their peers. Aquarius love people, but hate individuals. An Aquarius will always speak their mind, for better or worse. Something special is waiting for you by the docks on November 12.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Pisces tend to space out a lot, but that’s just because they have a terrible attention span. Some of the most attractive individuals are Pisces. So are some of the least attractive. Famous Pisces: Harambe.

Your Biweekly Horrorscopes

Author’s Note: Due to some backlash from the last article, I would like to sincerely apologize to all readers who take horoscopes seriously and thought that the previous horoscopes were “an insult to a long upstanding tradition of accuracy and an attempt to undermine the legitimacy of all of that which horoscopes stand for.” It may please you to know that due to this, all horoscopes will now be written 100% seriously and be presented before a panel of certified astrologists for approval. It may also please everyone else to know that due to the author’s love for bad puns, technically this week’s article, “Horrorscopes,” does not need to follow any of that nonsense. Also, my word count has been increased to around 800, so you can now waste even more time reading this stuff.

Aries (March 21–April 19): A quick Google result says that Aries are “proverbial infants,” which probably isn’t a good thing. Aries can also be impatient, so try not to be that way. On the bright side, you are full of energy and have unmatched courage. If you directed these traits toward your studies, maybe your life would be a bit easier. Lucky monster: zombies.

Taurus (April 20–May 20): Laziness is a trait we all have, some more than others. You’re in luck: the planets will align just right for you on November 1 and you will have an average day. Lucky monster: minotaur.

Gemini (May 21–June 20): Gemini are two faced. Seriously, don’t trust them; most are compulsive liars. They are the highlight of the party though, and little white lies never hurt anybody, right? Advice: if you feel as though you might be missing real friends, try being a better person. Lucky monster: a giant spider.

Cancer (June 21–July 22): The cancer is an emotional person that loves to take care of others, but their pessimism often leads to doubting their self-worth. If you know a cancer, let them know you appreciate them. They’re probably the ones who are going to hold your hair back during Hallowgreens. Lucky monster:  Slenderman, unless you’re short—then your lucky monster is a skeleton.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): Leos love to be admired and have the attention be focused on themselves. Overall, they’re good people and sincerely try to make other people happy. They just don’t try very hard sometimes. A horrendous obstacle is coming up in your life and there’s no way to avoid it. Lucky monster: a rat king.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): Remember when I made that comment last time about “if you thought this week was bad, wait until the next one”? Well, I made that before I consulted the signs about this next week and I just want to say I’m sorry. Lucky monster: a proverbial can of worms.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): Libras love to please, but it’s important to be able to take some time for yourself too. If you find yourself questioning someone’s motives, you’re probably justified. Special event: something pleasant awaits you in Monty some time between October 30 and November 1. I tried to be more precise, but I’m not very good at this thing, sorry. Lucky monster: a literal can of worms.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21): The Scorpio is nothing if not fierce. The Scorpio is a passionate individual, but what they’re passionate about varies from person to person. Some are really into underwater basket weaving. Scorpios like to remind us time and time again that while Saint Mary’s is a public honors college, it is still a public college. Lucky monster: A big spooky ghost.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): Typically introverted and pretty witty, you probably think you’re hot stuff, but I know you didn’t say anything to that girl, buddy. That’s okay, she probably would have rejected you anyway! Lucky monster: Scott Zimmerman.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): Capricorns are determined, practical, and helpful. You may be wondering: does a Capricorn have any downsides? Are they going to get roasted too? The answer is no. Their life already sucks, so let them have this one piece that will be the only positive thing they hear about themselves all week. Lucky monster: your mom.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): An Aquarius is the DJ of the party, which is fortunate for the rest of us since their music taste is better than those Leos. Special event: someone somewhere on campus has a crush on you! If this were a Japanese anime, they would probably leave a cute note in your shoe locker, but since this isn’t, you’ll never know who it is. Lucky monster: a clown.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20): Pisces are artistic and very emotional. You will complete a piece of art you have been working on for a while, but you’ll never be satisfied with it. While you try to love everyone, some people don’t deserve it. Lucky monster: a gorilla (RIP Harambe).

Your Biweekly Horoscopes

Are you feeling lucky? Here’s some tailored advice for you to follow this October.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Have you ever watched one of those Chinese cartoons? You’re like the main character. A lot of cool things are on the horizon but you must be careful, your impatience often gets you into trouble. An opportunity to meet your soulmate is coming up on October 17 at 11:44am in the second floor of the library. You should go there if you have nothing better to do. Famous Aries: James Franco.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You may have been feeling like a side character recently, but have no fear. Game of Thrones has shown us that main characters die. A lot. Advice: get a new hobby. Famous Taurus: John Cena.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Being a free spirit is cool and all but sometimes it’s better to go with the flow, you know? Advice: don’t go fishing when your house is on fire. Go to the second floor of the library on October 17 at 11:44am for a pleasant surprise. Famous Gemini: Angelina Jolie.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): You’re a walking contradiction and no one has the cure for you (yet). Lucky spot on campus: the Pub. Avoid the library on October 17. Famous Cancer: Jaden Smith.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): If you’re unhappy in your current situation, have you tried being a theater major? Your lucky color is yellow. Advice: fortune helps those who help themselves. Famous Leo: Dicaprio.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): Advice: learn to relax. If you thought last week was bad, just wait. Famous Virgo: Amy Poehler.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): While special things will be happening to all of your friends, you’re in for a treat. Your life is going to stay exactly the same. Your spirit animal: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Famous Libra: Russell Rusko (That RA for PG).

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): If you’re ever feeling down, remember that your sign is literally a scorpion. Advice: those who don’t look ahead remain behind. Famous Scorpio: Josh Peck.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Things are looking up for you. Stop obsessing over that cute girl at the ARC and just say hi to her. Seriously. Advice: the answers to your problems aren’t inside your head. Famous Sagittarius:  Taylor Swift.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You may have a lot going on in your head, but don’t forget to take time to focus. Congratulations, great gains will come to you, but if you end up doing curls in the squat rack your lifts will go down. Advice: while your feet are on the ground you will never be able to fly. Famous Capricorn: Jim Carrey.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): It’s probably best if you take a step back and recollect yourself. Everyone needs help now and again. Call a friend and tell them you love them. Song of the week: Logic – Under Pressure. Famous Aquarius: Oprah Winfrey.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): If you forget Harambe this will be a terrible month. Advice: stop watching Netflix at 1 am. Famous Pisces: Jensen Ackles.