Your Biweekly Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 19): Born under a fire sign, Aries are some of the most energetic people you’ll ever meet. However, these individuals are also extremely thickheaded. You’ll know an Aries when, despite your protests, they insist on taking another shot – and another. Most compatible with: Taurus. Lucky body part: right elbow.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): They say that when your nose itches it means someone is thinking about you. I’m sure it’s been quite some time since that’s happened. Don’t worry, since fortune favors you this week, you will do okay on that exam. Thing to avoid: melons.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Geminis are always thinking, but it’s often about nothing. When they get bored, they make sure everyone knows it. If you want to know the secret to a Gemini’s heart – it’s through their brain. I don’t mean in some romantic metaphorical way about how you have to be intellectually stimulating or whatever, I mean literally. For some reason, Geminis are obsessed with tiny objects such as stickers, marbles, pebbles, etc, but something about the size of a pencil case begins to lose their interest. Word of the week: staphylococcus.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Cancers are more sensitive to their surroundings than most. These are the kinds of people who will judge you based on how you decorate your room but insist that it looks “totally cool.” Cancers are extremely emotional and love feeling comfortable, and every cancer owns a pair of fuzzy socks that they hold dear to their heart. Song of the week: Fortune (feat. Sam Lachow) – Lost Triibe.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): If you have any friends that are Leos, I’m so sorry for you. I’m kidding (mostly) but you probably already know that Leos require ~51% of your attention at all times or else their self-esteem will drastically fall. Leos want to feel good. The one thing everyone loves about Leos is that they know how to throw a party. Historical event that may or may not be interesting: The Mary Celeste Disappearance, 1872.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): Virgos like to put things in order and when things are order of out, Virgos become quite upset. Virgos are very earthy people, they love to garden, however they also hate getting dirty. You may find yourself shaken by recent happenings in your life, but hold strong. No one said life was going to be easy. Lucky letter of the alphabet: Q. Nobody really appreciates Q, which is why you relate on a spiritual level with this letter.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Libras are always in relationships because they love harmony. Their judgment about partners is pretty reliable. Usually. Lucky service provider: Verizon. Bring something you’ve been meaning to give away to the docks on November 12.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Scorpios are hard to talk to, but this isn’t because they have nothing to say. Instead, they usually have too much on their minds. Scorpios are all about deep conversations and exploring the true nature of the world. We all become Scorpios around 3 am. Everyone appreciates a meaningful conversation now and again, but beware, you might suddenly find yourself a philosophy major. Recommended TV show: Bojack Horseman.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): All Sagittarius have an inclination toward Buddhism. If life has been going your way – great! If not – less great! Gibberish that makes sense to you: nothing is everything, everything is nothing. If you’ve been debating about whether or not to do something, you might as well. We’re all going to die someday so you might as well be happy in the meantime. Lucky pizza: bacon and pineapple.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Capricorns love to help and serve others. Don’t forget to take the time to help yourself. Take the time this month to align with oneself. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds like something a horoscope would advise. Lucky instrument: Tuba.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): They say between genius and insanity is a very thin line. Aquarius are forward thinkers, they are always looking ahead, seen as visionaries by their peers. Aquarius love people, but hate individuals. An Aquarius will always speak their mind, for better or worse. Something special is waiting for you by the docks on November 12.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Pisces tend to space out a lot, but that’s just because they have a terrible attention span. Some of the most attractive individuals are Pisces. So are some of the least attractive. Famous Pisces: Harambe.