Written by Rebecca Raub.
Last week, President Trump made a surprising announcement. He shared that Bang Energy Drinks will now be the official sponsored drink of U.S. public elementary schools. As a part of this sponsorship, a Bang energy drink will now be included in every school supplied breakfast and lunch and all school mascots will be a huge energy drink. This announcement was especially shocking to parents because each drink contains a whopping 300 mg of caffeine, which is the upward limit of recommended intake for adults.
One concerned parent spoke up, “My daughter Ashley is in third grade, and had never even heard of Bang before. Next thing you know, she is coming home from school begging for me to buy her one saying that she needs it to get through the day. What happened to kids just drinking apple juice? Also, how are sports teams going to work if every mascot is the same? This is just ridiculous. I will be filing a complaint to the school board immediately.”
However, not every parent seemed to share the same concerns.
An anonymous mother shared, “I personally don’t see a problem with Bang energy drinks being sponsored by schools. I trust that Trump knows what he is doing and he would not make this decision if these drinks would harm our kids. I have no doubt that he cares about their wellbeing and I believe that these drinks are amazing and will bring so much to elementary schools all across the country.”
She went on to say, “People are always fearing change, but it’s nice to mix things up. My son used to have to ride the bus home from school, which he hated because other kids would tease him. Now, he is able to run home after school with all of his newfound energy. School gets out at 3:30, and he somehow makes it home at 3:29 thanks to these new drinks that he gets at lunch.”
The sponsorship has affected schools in many ways. In multiple elementary schools, the students are required to pledge allegiance to a framed picture of a Bang energy drink daily, instead of the usual American flag. Additionally, schools are implementing new classes that are specifically for students to taste test different flavors before they are officially released on the market. There is now a new type of spelling bee that is a nationwide competition for elementary schools. There are only three words that students are asked to spell- “Bang”, “energy”, and “drink”.
One fifth grader shared how the Bang Energy Drink sponsorship has affected her, “I love Bang energy drinks and I’m so happy that schools are doing this! Everywhere I look in my school there are pictures of the drinks and there is actually a whole section of our library with books about Bang Energy Drinks, it’s super cool. We even get to see Bang advertisements every single day after our morning announcements. My dad was kind of weirded out by the whole thing at first, but now if I’m lucky, he packs me an energy shot in my lunch as a treat. It’s really funny, I can actually taste my heartbeat right now. My parents are a little concerned because I haven’t slept in like 3 days, but I don’t care because I don’t need sleep anymore. These things are awesome.”
Although the decision to have Bang be the sponsored drink of U.S. public elementary schools has faced criticism by many and has led to mixed reactions all around, it seems that these drinks are here to stay and that this is going to be the new way of life for elementary schools nationwide.
Disclaimer: This article was published as a part of our April Fools Edition.