The Green Door Announces They Are Now The Yellow Door

Written by Kristina Norgard

The backbone of St. Mary’s College of Maryland’s bar life for students over 21 is a small bar called The Green Door, affectionately called “The Door” that sits on the dip in the road on route 5. It is a small pub that hosts students for an option for late night entertainment nearby campus. Some may consider it the eighth wonder of St. Mary’s. Recently, they have announced that they are changing their name from The Green Door to The Yellow Door. 

This confused many students, faculty, and members of the community? Why? What made this happen? Why the change after all this time? The Point News reached out for interviews with multiple people who had different relationships with the Door. 

“You know, at first I was like, why? But then I realized that I didn’t care that much, I mean it is just a color, you know? Half of the color green is yellow, we just got rid of the blue, man, so like isn’t that a good thing? The door is no longer depressed haha, I wish I could say the same…” said a senior at the college.

“Haha, you guys are doing an article about this? Wow, that is funny, man. Why did you think of coming to me? Oh, right haha we’re not going to talk about that on record, yeah.” stated a professor from the philosophy department. “Yeah it is definitely going to be an adjustment for sure, but hey I’m sure it will still stay the same old Door. Well, hey I’ll see you at six for “class” aha, yeah alright,”

“I am actually quite pressed about it.” stated one uptight junior. “I have multiple tee shirts and pint glasses that say “The Green Door” on them and now it is no longer the GREEN door. I mean, I even cried driving by the other day when I saw that they had gone the entire length of painting the place yellow. It’s really over, isn’t it? God, the days of The Green Door are over, good riddance I guess, I thought the color green wasn’t that bad.” Our staff writers made sure to leave her after our interview with a pack of tissues. They might have been yellow.

The outside of what used to be called The Green Door has now indeed been painted yellow and a new sign has been put up on top and on the door of the building. The inside has not changed except there is now new merchandise on the inside, pint and shot glasses, tee shirts, koozies, sunglasses, bottle openers, baseball hats, mugs, pens, stickers, you name it. Some students have speculated that the rebranding is a controversial gimmick to draw more customers into the bar since the appearance of more merchandise. 

The point News reached out to The Yellow Door but they declined to comment on the situation.

The class of 2020 is hosting a “Welcome Yellow Door, Goodbye Class of 2020” fundraiser night this Thursday night. The Door has agreed to bundle merch and beer for a 25% proceed to go to the class. The money goes towards the activities at the end of their senior year. Disclaimer: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road by Elton John will be playing the entire night for a cheesy and not that great correlation for of-age students to sing along to while inebriated.

Disclaimer: This article was published as a part of our April Fools Edition.

St. James Deli Remodel to be Finished by 2045

Written by Kristina Norgard

On the corner of Three Notch Road and Mattapany Road sits a small gas station and convenience store called St. James Deli & Spirits that served the loyal students of St. Mary’s College of Maryland with all of their gas, beer, liquor, and last but not least heavenly deli needs. Have you even ever truly experienced being a student at St. Mary’s if you have not had a slice of St. James’ pizza? You simply cannot graduate from the institution if you have never sunk your teeth into a Ciabatta Dan with extra House Sauce. President Jordan won’t let you walk the stage. 

Recently, to the result of multiple breakdowns across campus, St. James closed their doors for renovations. On the day that this happened, you could hear screams in Waring Commons, Montgomery Hall, the Boathouse, the Target in Lexington Park, even all the way to Point Lookout State Park, students burst out in tears waling to the Gods why this would happen. How could they live without their Ciabatta Dans for the unforeseeable future? If they didn’t open again soon, their entire semester could be ruined by this. We won’t even mention what the seniors were saying and thinking, but there were lots of them pacing back in forth in the greens telling themselves that they will be able to live through St. James Deli & Spirits being temporarily closed. 

We aren’t exactly sure what is going to be renovated at the gas and convenience store, as we were unable to get an interview with anyone associated with St. James. There have been rumors floating around campus though about what is going to be added to the renovation.

“I heard that there was going to be a full bouncy castle and trampoline park added to the back.” stated an anonymous member of the class of 2021.

“I was told by the men’s soccer team that they were going to put in a fish hatchery.” said an unidentified member of the class of 2023. 

The most concerning rumor of all was the one that sent shockwaves all around the county. There was even a low-grade earthquake recorded in the middle of campus when this was heard by the majority of the residents of the campus – students, professors, and faculty alike. The rumor that the remodel was to be finished by the year 2045. We asked some members of the community who had heard this rumor to comment on the idea of St. James opening again only 25 years from now. 

“Dude, I’m gonna be dead by then so I really don’t know what to do.” replied a professor of mathematics. 

“I heard that since it is going to take a whole score and a quarter for this place to reopen that Enzo’s and The Beanery have been in competition trying to see who will crack the recipe for the House Sauce first. Whoever can figure it out before the other is going to put bootleg Ciabatta Dan’s on their menu so they can get St. James’ old customers.” panted a desperate and sweaty pale member of the class of 2020. It was clear they were going through Dan Withdrawl. Something the Health Center has been recently started sending students away for with a pack of ice wrapped in a brown paper towel. 

Whenever St. James Deli and Spirits finishes its remodel and is ready to open its doors again, all the members of the St. Mary’s community will be more than ready to welcome them back to the county.


Disclaimer: This article was published as a part of our April Fools Edition.

Bang Energy Drinks Now the Official Sponsored Drink of USA Public Elementary Schools

Written by Rebecca Raub.

Last week, President Trump made a surprising announcement. He shared that Bang Energy Drinks will now be the official sponsored drink of U.S. public elementary schools. As a part of this sponsorship, a Bang energy drink will now be included in every school supplied breakfast and lunch and all school mascots will be a huge energy drink. This announcement was especially shocking to parents because each drink contains a whopping 300 mg of caffeine, which is the upward limit of recommended intake for adults. 

One concerned parent spoke up, “My daughter Ashley is in third grade, and had never even heard of Bang before. Next thing you know, she is coming home from school begging for me to buy her one saying that she needs it to get through the day. What happened to kids just drinking apple juice? Also, how are sports teams going to work if every mascot is the same? This is just ridiculous. I will be filing a complaint to the school board immediately.”

However, not every parent seemed to share the same concerns.

An anonymous mother shared, “I personally don’t see a problem with Bang energy drinks being sponsored by schools. I trust that Trump knows what he is doing and he would not make this decision if these drinks would harm our kids. I have no doubt that he cares about their wellbeing and I believe that these drinks are amazing and will bring so much to elementary schools all across the country.”

She went on to say, “People are always fearing change, but it’s nice to mix things up. My son used to have to ride the bus home from school, which he hated because other kids would tease him. Now, he is able to run home after school with all of his newfound energy. School gets out at 3:30, and he somehow makes it home at 3:29 thanks to these new drinks that he gets at lunch.”

The sponsorship has affected schools in many ways. In multiple elementary schools, the students are required to pledge allegiance to a framed picture of a Bang energy drink daily, instead of the usual American flag. Additionally, schools are implementing new classes that are specifically for students to taste test different flavors before they are officially released on the market. There is now a new type of spelling bee that is a nationwide competition for elementary schools. There are only three words that students are asked to spell- “Bang”, “energy”, and “drink”.

One fifth grader shared how the Bang Energy Drink sponsorship has affected her, “I love Bang energy drinks and I’m so happy that schools are doing this! Everywhere I look in my school there are pictures of the drinks and there is actually a whole section of our library with books about Bang Energy Drinks, it’s super cool. We even get to see Bang advertisements every single day after our morning announcements. My dad was kind of weirded out by the whole thing at first, but now if I’m lucky, he packs me an energy shot in my lunch as a treat. It’s really funny, I can actually taste my heartbeat right now. My parents are a little concerned because I haven’t slept in like 3 days, but I don’t care because I don’t need sleep anymore. These things are awesome.” 

Although the decision to have Bang be the sponsored drink of U.S. public elementary schools has faced criticism by many and has led to mixed reactions all around, it seems that these drinks are here to stay and that this is going to be the new way of life for elementary schools nationwide.


Disclaimer: This article was published as a part of our April Fools Edition.

New Track Team Canceled, $2.4 Million Statue to be Built

Written by Andrew Atkins.

Back in February, the Board of Trustees at St. Mary’s College of Maryland (SMCM) approved the funding for both a men’s and women’s varsity track and field program. The track at Jamie L. Roberts Stadium was set to have renovations done this upcoming summer in order to meet NCAA standards, and the two new programs were set to begin competition in the Fall of 2021. A track and field team had naturally seemed like the next sport to be added at SMCM, due to the recent construction of Jamie L. Roberts Stadium. On top of that, it would help to diversify the Seahawk Athletic department even furthur. The college and many students were excited for the addition of a new athletic program, as well as upgrades to the track. The new programs also would have helped to increase enrollment at SMCM by roughly twenty to forty students per year. These athletes would have probably never considered SMCM if there had not been a track team, according to inside.smcm.edu. 

However, there have been some recent, and very rapid, developments with this new track and field program. While the college was all set to add them back in February, they have since had second thoughts. In early March, SMCM tweeted that they were postponing their search for a head coach of the program. This sparked some speculation among current students and alumni as to what the set back could be. Then on March 30, the college announced that they have decided not to go through with the addition of these two new programs. A tweet from SMCM read “We are sorry to announce that we have to postpone the addition of the new track and field program at St. Mary’s. Construction will proceed as scheduled on the track.”

There has been no time table set for when the track and field program may be added to the school. Since the school is going through with the upgrades to the track, there is some room for hope that the program will one day be created. 

In yet another strange twist, on March 31 SMCM announced that they will be using the money originally intended to fund the track team to help build a brand new, state of the art statue. SMCM has partnered with the state of Maryland in order to split the cost of this $2.4 million work of art. While several locations are still being discussed, the statue will most likely be placed either on site at the new academic building or on top of the hill overlooking the St. Mary’s River. World renowned sculptor Damian Ortega has been rumored as the assigned artist of the statue. The college and the state of Maryland have confirmed that the statue will be of the Arc and the Dove boats that originally brought English settlers to St. Mary’s. The statue will also be mainly made out of solid gold. SMCM is very excited at the opportunity to add a piece of wonderful artwork as well as give a nod to the past. 


Disclaimer: This article was published as a part of our April Fools Edition.

St. Mary’s to Compete in 2021 Olympics

Written by Andrew Atkins.

The 2020 Summer Olympics were set to take place in Tokyo, Japan, but like all other major sporting events this year, they have been delayed. With the recent announcement to push the Olympics back to the summer of 2021, this has allowed athletes all around the world to train for an additional year before competing. The Olympics have been cancelled three times in their history, 1916, 1940, and 1944, so the International Olympic Committee (IOC) is glad that they are able to still have the games. 

In light of this unforeseen event, the IOC recently announced that they will be expanding the field of athletes and who can qualify for the games. The athletes who have already qualified will be allowed to compete, but there are also several other categories of people who will be allowed to participate. Collegiate athletes who were rostered in the 2019-2020 season in America are part of this expanded list of people. In Europe or other countries where collegiate sports are not as prominent, they will be simply opening up more spots for athletes to qualify. The IOC is attempting to use the delay in the games to garner more support for the Olympics. Expanding qualifications to potentially include collegiate or semi-pro athletes, will help for more athletes to be involved in these storied games. While usually aspiring Olympic athletes train for a large portion of their lives in order to just have a shot at making the games, St. Mary’s College of Maryland (SMCM) announced on March 31 that they are committed to sending athletes to the 2021 games.

This was a shocking announcement considering that it is unknown if any SMCM athletes were previously training for the Olympic games. The college however issued a plan as to how they are going to get their athletes to the games. 

It appears that SMCM will be using a loophole in order to help their athletes qualify for the games. The qualification levels will be based on college classification. Therefore all Division I athletes will compete, all Division III athletes will compete, adn all Division III athletes will compete. The top athletes in each event, from each classification will move on to the Olympics. Since SMCM has recently been defined as The National Public Honors College, they appear to be in a classification of their own. Therefore, any SMCM athlete registered in an Olympic event will automatically qualify for the Olympics. The college is going to send out a survey to all athletes to see which sports they would be interested in competing in. Following a preliminary skills exam, they will then get sent to a world class trainer for the next year to make sure that they will be Olympic ready. 

This will not be the first time that SMCM athletes have competed in the Olympics. The first two to do it were Bruce Merritt, ‘84, who competed in one man canoeing in the 1980 and 1984 Olympic games, and Scott Steele, ‘81, who won a silver medal in windsurfing during the 1984 Olympics. 

Disclaimer: This article was published as a part of our April Fools Edition.

Rowing Team Accidentally Rows All the Way to Antarctica

Written by Kristina Norgard

A freak accident occurred on the St. Mary’s River last weekend that had never happened before in St. Mary’s College of Maryland history. During an early morning practice, the seahawk DIII Rowing team accidentally rowed all the way to the continent of Antarctica. We reached out to a few members of the team to ask if they could comment on this awkward and odd experience they had. 

Emma McNesby ‘22, grappled to explain the incident noting the change in temperature and a possible reason why this could have happened, “We all started to get really cold but Coach just said it was free speed.”

Zoe Grabenstetter ‘20 recalled the moment where they knew and figured out that something was horrifyingly wrong but chose not to say anything, “I knew we weren’t in Maryland anymore when we stopped running into crab traps but no one said anything so I just kept going.”

Erin Lanham ‘22, shared her side of the story, explaining where the crux of the incident may have originated, “Ok, look. Yes, I steer the boat. Yes, I fell asleep halfway through the row. Yes, when I woke up we were in Antarctica. But it’s not my fault Coach makes us wake up at 5:00 in the morning!”

It seems that the bystander effect might have gotten the best of the team when confusion ensued since no one really had any clear direction or sense of what to do. The leadership of the team may be in extreme question and consequently also the liability of the college at this current point in time for their precious student-athletes, especially for a team “off-campus trip” to happen so spontaneously. But, The Point News is more than happy to report that the endurance and stamina of the team seem to be better than any other previous season ever recorded in Seahawk history. 

After realizing that there were a few penguins who hid as cargo on the way, they left three of them in Florida. They then found another one hidden in the back of a boat that one of the student-athletes had tried to keep as a pet in North Carolina respectively, but they had to leave the penguin there where they could find new lives on the beaches. The team returned back to campus faster than they got to Antarctica surprisingly. The athletic trainer met them on the docks to check out the athletes and see if they had any signs of hypothermia or over-exhaustion. Thanks to global warming, there were no signs of hypothermia. In fact, luckily only one of the team members was hurt or injured in any way. One of the penguins had slapped them silly and ultimately unconscious with their flippers. 

The rowing team coach even considered giving them a day off after the incident, but then decided not to instead. The team continues to wake up early and work hard as dedicated student-athletes on the beautiful river they get to call home. The Point News wishes the rowing team athletes and coaches the best of luck this season and for them to continue working hard, but guys, not that hard. 

Disclaimer: This article was published as a part of our April Fools Edition.

Public Safety Officers to Form Division III Men’s Volleyball Team

Written by Olivia Sothoron

The St. Mary’s College of Maryland (SMCM) Office of Public Safety released a statement announcing the formation of a Men’s Volleyball team forming on Campus, made up entirely by male Public Safety Officers. SMCM made an announcement explaining their excitement for the new team, stating that they hope this will give SMCM students a sense of the importance of Public Safety on campus. 

The announcement read: “We are pleased to confirm the rumors regarding the establishment of a Public Safety Men’s Division III Volleyball team at SMCM. Our officers have been training hard for this. We cannot wait to see the publicity that will be brought to our school through the creation of this team.”

Within the Capital Athletic Conference (CAC), the Public Safety officers have organized to play against the safety officers at other colleges. They are looking forward to learning from the Women’s Volleyball team, who they hope will be able to teach them about the game itself and how to prevent chafing from the tight spandex they plan on sporting throughout their season. 

One Public Safety officer remarked, “I am most excited for the SMCM students and campus community to gain a stronger appreciation for the Public Safety officers. We want to prove to them that we do more than ride around on our golf carts unlocking door rooms and ticketing students who are supposed to be parked in Lot T.” 

Some students have remarked noticing the Public Safety officers practicing in the Michael P. O’Brien Athletic and Recreation Center (MPOARC) as well as on the beach. A few college students have reported the spotting to the Public Safety officers on duty, claiming that they had spotted a group of older men in really short shorts playing around on college property. They were informed shortly that these men were merely their noble protectors, Public Safety officers. 

A member of the SMCM athletic board noted that they are looking forward to the addition of the new sports team. “We are hoping that the new Public Safety team draws out big crowds and strengthens our athletic department. I mean, who does not want to come watch middle aged men in really short shorts playing volleyball? That sounds pretty great to me.”

The Office of Public Safety is also hoping that the establishment of this new team will serve as a recruiting method for aspiring public safety officers around the country. One Public Safety officer explained, “We are hoping that people will see that we have a Public Safety Men’s Volleyball team and will want to work at SMCM. That way, we can try to keep Public Safety officers for more than just a few months at a time.” 

The Public Safety Men’s Volleyball team will make its debut in the fall of 2020 in the main gym of the MPOARC. They are asking SMCM students, staff and faculty to clear their schedules for the afternoon of August 28, when they will be going up against the officers from Christopher Newport University. 

If you are into volleyball or middle aged, unathletic men in really short shorts, be sure to come out and support your very own SMCM Public Safety Men’s Volleyball team.

Disclaimer: This article was published as a part of our April Fools Edition.

After Only A Year of Use, Jamie L. Roberts Stadium to Be Bulldozed for Larger Arena

Written by Devin Garner.

In a shocking turn of events at St. Mary’s College of Maryland, college officials have announced that the Jamie L. Roberts Stadium will be bulldozed for a larger domed stadium at the end of the academic year. 

Many athletes are shocked by the news that was emailed to them on the morning of April 1. One athlete on the lacrosse team stated, “I am simply astonished by the news of the demolition of  ‘The Jamie.’ This stadium was incredible and I thought we would play here for years to come. I am very disappointed to hear the news but I am looking forward to the opportunity to play in a domed stadium for the first time in my career.” 

When contacting college officials to ask for a reason behind the shocking news, many members of the administration refused to comment. However, one member of the administration did express their anger with the news. She stated, “I am saddened that all the time and effort that went into this beautiful stadium will not mean anything.” She went on to say, “We need to focus more of our attention on improving other aspects around campus and less on demolishing a stadium that was beautiful and already loved by many.”

The Jamie L. Roberts Stadium had the intentions of improving enrollment as faculty envisioned that it would draw in many great athletes and would strengthen the Division III sports that take place at the college. While the stadium is one of the nicer stadiums in all of Division III sports, the college has something more in mind. Upon being contacted by another college official on the news she stated, “This new domed stadium has the intentions to allow St. Mary’s to compete at the Division I level. The new domed stadium will be for all athletes to use and will provide a great atmosphere for students to gain a sense of school spirit. We hope to join the Big 10 and compete with schools like the University of Maryland and Penn State.”

The new domed stadium will now be referred to as the Jamie L. Roberts Arena. The arena is intended to have a capacity of 19,000 fans, which is even bigger than the University of Maryland’s Xfinity Center. Not to mention, there are less than 2,000 students at St. Mary’s, so there will be plenty of space for family members, friends, random strangers on the streets, and pretty much anyone else. Not only will the arena house both outdoor and indoor sports but it will also host large lecture-sized classrooms. 

While the news is stunning to many, it is going to improve the overall student body involvement throughout campus. According to a college official, “this is going to be a great place for the college to come together as a community and support our student athletes.”

While the arena has great intentions, many students of the college fear the implications that the arena will have on the college. One student on campus said, “I fear that this arena will lead to the expansion of the college and cause it to lose that community feel. I came to St. Mary’s because I wanted a small campus with not many students. I fear this new arena will ruin that.”

Many students and faculty are now anxiously awaiting the demolition of the Jamie L. Roberts Stadium that will take place after the Spring 2020 semester. Some are outraged at the news while others are enthralled by the opportunity. Time will only tell what this news means for the future of the college.

Disclaimer: This article was published as a part of our April Fools Edition.

You Will Be Missed, St. Mary’s Day

Written by Maeve Ballentine.

Tuesday, March 10 was set to be a day of speeches and important events for students. Most importantly, students were scheduled to miss class. This special event was St. Mary’s Day, a time of growth and learning among students, or more appropriately a time of unofficial learning when they had the day off from classes. Unfortunately, the world can be callous and cruel to those who least deserve it. A few days before St. Mary’s Day, the school decided it would be best to put an end to the event before it had even begun, robbing the students of their desired day off.

The students were absolutely devastated when they learned that St. Mary’s Day had been cancelled. Despair and sadness ran rampant throughout the school on March 10, as it was now just a regular Tuesday. However, we must never forget that important thing that it means. It signifies the unity of a student body who is gathering for something that was set up by the school because you have nothing better to do. The students have to listen to someone talk for an hour about something they barely understand. It almost brings a tear to one’s eye to think about such a beautiful event that has been so cruelly ripped away from us. 

Even though we will likely never experience another St. Mary’s Day again, at least until the administration schedules another one, we must never forget the impact that it had on us as a student body. As the students gather to mourn the loss of this truly amazing event, we must remember how quickly events can be cancelled and never take them for granted. Perhaps this way we can see that every day is St. Mary’s Day in our hearts. A day on St. Mary’s campus is a day to remember because it is a St. Mary’s Day to all of us. Whether we are going to class or just choosing to lay in bed all day, the impact of such an important day will be carried with us for the rest of our lives. We must always carry the values of St. Mary’s Day with us and remember the brave event planners who had to put this together only to cancel it later on. 

The event was cancelled for the safety of the students, making St. Mary’s Day and those responsible for planning it, heroes, as they sacrificed their own schedule just to make sure that students were safe. Every year on March 10, take a break from what you are doing and have a moment of silence for the lost event and never forget the wonderful day that it would have been. As the school year draws to a close, we remember the importance of such a day to the students and we must never forget what St. Mary’s Day means to all of us. It means…um…something important.

Disclaimer: This article was published as a part of our April Fools Edition.

Why Dubs Are Superior in Every Way

Written by Truman Robinson.

While watching my favorite anime series, I had a thought that bothered me enough to do some extensive research and deep thinking. I wondered about all of the people who choose subtitles over voice dubs when watching anime. I was furious to find that this is a current internet war that shames humble dub viewers, like myself. So here are a couple of reasons why dubbing is not so bad, and maybe the superior viewing method.

The stereotype of bad dubbing has a long and extensive history with shows like the original Transformers series and Speed Racer both shows from the 70s and 80s. But no bad English dub list is complete without mentioning Dragon Ball Z’s “Big Green’ dub. From the downright awful interpretation and the infamous translation “Big Green” for the villain Piccalo, this stream of eleven movies is the tragic mark for dub fans, and a stain on our history books.

But there is a bigger argument to make today. Sure, there have been some bad dubs in the past, but the sheer quality and quantity of today’s dubs are the best it’s ever been! To put this in perspective let us look at one of the most talked-about anime of all time, Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure. The writers are so ecstatic, they want viewers to fully appreciate the dub, so they put hints in their show to their admiration. Across the show, there are numerous instances where the characters will flip from the traditional Japanese dialogue and say catchphrases and one-liners in English. This act is a clever homage to English voice actors and is a fun little easter egg that silently thanks dubs for being so authentic. 

Enjoying a voice actor speaking in my native tongue is far more entertaining and relatable when I do not have to focus on reading a script with the voice actors. The commonly used antic, “If I wanted to read a book, I’d become an English major,” is a true encompassment of this dilemma. When one sits down to watch television, realistically they are trying to watch their favorite shows. By putting in subtitles over the motion pictures, one must divert their attention so that they are forced to sacrifice time by reading dialogue. 

Commonly in poor subs, obvious typos can plague the screens of humble viewers. As cited on the most popular website for anime dubs, 69% of English subs are made in five minutes, by taking the script and putting it through Google Translator. When I discovered this fact, I was shocked and, frankly appalled. Dubs have a more wholesome approach that respects the source material and does not offend viewers. 

Hiring voice actors start the long and, at times, tedious work of staying faithful to the source material. In shows like My Hero Acadarmia, Full Metal Alchemy Brothers, and my personal favorite Avatar the Last Airbender have dubs so good that it adds to the quality of the work. I could not attach myself to my favorite characters’ voices if I couldn’t understand the words they were saying. 

Now if you, oh gracious reader, would like to leave a comment on how my argument is not thought out, and I shouldn’t be complaining about what is clearly an inferior mode of watching Japanese television, I would implore you to go check out animeprilfools.com and decide for yourself which side you’re on.

Disclaimer: This article was published as a part of our April Fools Edition.