Associates of President Jordan Suspected of Ties to Russian, North Korean governments

Last week, several associates of President Jordan were investigated for alleged ties to the Russian and North Korean governments. Longtime friends of Jordan Gennadiy Jakov and Kim Yoo Suk were arrested in their SMCM offices on March 25th after wiretapped phone conversations revealed intent to “undermine the democratic practices of the college” and “seize the means of production.”

It is also suspected that Jakov and Kim directly influenced St. Mary’s College of Maryland administration in hopes of spreading authoritarian policy and sentiment. Kim is also suspected of attempted modification of recent SGA results that would have granted the SGA presidency to Kim Jong Un.

Upon further investigation, it was found that Jakov was a former KGB operative, a staunch communist and a member of the Soviet Politburo. Following the fall of the Soviet Union, Jakov became disillusioned and vowed to continue spreading the doctrine of communism until death. He was accepted into SMCM after immigrating to the United States and his experience at the college pushed him further left, solidifying his belief in authoritarian government, the righteousness of collectivism and the abolishment of private property.

Jakov was later offered a job as an assistant to the President, where he put his ideals into practice. It is not known how long Jakov directly influenced decisions of the administration but a shift was first seen in late 2018 when the college enacted sweeping social reforms that placed limits on the right to party. Further college efforts tied to Jakov include the establishment of an alcohol task force in 2019.

However, the task force is believed to be little more than a façade for a new secret police force, tasked with delivering all of the vodka on campus to Jakov and purging all opponents of the Communist Party.

Kim Yoo Suk was also questioned by authorities and declared allegiance to the North Korean Workers’ Party. His record indicates similar communist sentiment to Jakov, including an unsuccessful bid to change the name of SMCM to “The Democratic Peoples’ Republic of St. Mary’s” and an attempt to add a nuclear science major to the SMCM curriculum.

The name was voted down due to concerns over whether the college truly embodied the principles of democracy, responsiveness to the people or a republican form of government. When asked about his interference in SGA elections, Kim stated “the age of capitalist oppression is over! History has proven the great leaps forward that communism brings! Long live the Eternal President Kim Il Sung and the Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un!”

He refused to give further comment. Jakov and Kim are expected to be charged with nothing and remain employed by the college, where they will continue to work towards totalitarian reforms, five-year plans, great leaps forward and campaigns of a hundred flowers.

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