SGA Votes to Become Monarchy Under King Andrew Messick

On March 22, 2019, the St. Mary’s College of Maryland (SMCM) Student Government Association (SGA) held an emergency meeting regarding the future of the SGA Executive Board.

“I realized we were in trouble about halfway through 50 days,” Andrew Messick (Blessings Be) told The Point News (TPN). “My complimentary champagne bottle was almost empty and the fancy cheese coma was setting in, when it came to me: I had only 50 days left as SGA President. What’s worse is that, despite all the emails we sent out to our constituents to vote on the 2019-2020 executive board, we’ve only gotten a 15% response rate.”

While a low rate of voter turnout may be acceptable in other governments, like the United States, it is unheard of for the SMCM SGA. This worried Messick (Blessings Be). “With only a 15% voter turnout, there was no way any ‘winner’ would actually be representative of the wants and needs of the student body.” Messick (Blessings Be) immediately sent an email out to members of the SGA to meet by the light of the moon at Church Point by the time the bell tower struck midnight. Director of Campus Programming Rose Glenn made sure to bring s’mores, as a meeting of such gravity would require snacks.

Davita Fennell, Messick’s (Blessings Be) vice president, told TPN, “We started out by discussing the issue at hand, that there was no clear heir to the Messick presidency. With the semesters of peace and prosperity we experienced under Messick, the possibility of stepping into unknown waters terrified everyone. Without a strong leader, we would surely be ransacked by the Townies or have members of the student body conscripted into service by the University of Maryland.”

And so the solution was clear: A future without President Messick (Blessings Be) must never come to pass. While a democracy is standard in fair governing, it does not account for the presence of a strong leadership that outshines the competition. “We took an oath to protect and serve the student body at all costs,” Messick (Blessings Be) said. “Whatever was in the best interest of the student body, we would do. Monarchy just so happened to be in their best interest.”

The Messick Clause was unanimously passed, allowing for, in the case of a particularly exemplary SGA President, a monarchy in order to maintain the heightened quality of life under such leadership. All executive roles will switch over to stately ranking, with a small parliament of representatives kept on to run the day-to-day minutia of the Student Government.

Most executive members found themselves pleasantly surprised over this turn of events. “I never thought I’d become a Lord,” Lord Tim Baer told TPN. “Will Lord of Clubs look good on my resume?” Lord Jake Miller said, “So I’m Lord Treasurer now. Do you think that means clubs will finally get their fund allocation forms in on time?”

While there will no doubt be growing pains as the student body adjusts to this change, King Messick (Blessings Be) is already settled in his role. On March 24, his royal highness was seen moving his things into the former Alumni Lodge, now Messick Castle. As for his 2019 graduation? He told us, “What’s a degree to a king? I already know everything.”

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