Your Biweekly Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 19): You may be feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work that has piled up over the semester, but that’s okay. I want you to take a moment to breathe, and remember, just a few more weeks until you no longer have to see Scott Zimmerman. Don’t get too excited! Recommended Papa John’s toppings: Chicken + Italian Sausage.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): I know what you’re thinking, “I really missed the SMCM horoscopes. That Drew guy has such a way with words.” Well, you are not wrong! In other news, if you’re a senior looking for things to cross off your SMCM bucket list, you’re in luck! This week will give you the courage to do something you haven’t done before. Just keep in mind that just because you can doesn’t always mean that you should. Recommended underappreciated food: apricots.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): This horoscope is more for friends of Geminis rather than actual Geminis. Luckily for us, for the next two weeks Geminis will actually be decisive and give straight answers to questions. Whether or not they’ll answer truthfully is another topic entirely. Recommended Senior: Femi “It’s a shame he isn’t that good at Smash” Oyenusi.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): If you have been putting off asking for that cute senior’s number, you’re running out of time! On the bright side, when you are inevitably rejected, you won’t have to deal with the consequences of your failure since the seniors are moving on to a better place. If you are not rejected – congratulations, but remember that death is inevitable. Recommended aerobic exercise: Jumping Jacks (or Jills – we don’t discriminate here at The Point News).

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Leos are noble and majestic creatures, but don’t let them know you think that. Leos truly don’t care what you think about them because they have plenty to say about how great they are. Recommended major: Computer Science.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): Alright Virgos, if you’re one of those people who I’ve never seen in the gym until the past two weeks, and even then you only come in to run on the treadmill for a few minutes before attempting to do what I think are supposed to be crunches, I’ve got some sort of bad news for you. There’s no way you’re going to be beach bod ready in a few weeks. However, you’ve already got a great start for next year. Recommended day to go to the Door: Never, because alcohol kills gains.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Call your mother, she’s worried sick about you and you haven’t talked to her in weeks. Recommended ball sport: Soccer, duh.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): For better or worse, you will live to see the day when names such as “Mildred” and “Esther” become common for children again. Recommended anime: Kingdom Hearts.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): If you’re studying for your CCNA, congratulations! You are sure to pass. If you are not studying for your CCNA, congratulations! Recommended Editor-in-Chief: Miranda McLain.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): This horoscope has been intentionally left blank. Feel free to take it as a symbol that your future is unwritten, or perhaps the author was just lazy. Recommended book: Hop on Pop.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Better luck next time. Recommended cult classic horror film: Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Get yourself a partner who can make you happy with the lightest touch. Or at least can make you less miserable for a few moments. Recommended color: who cares!


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