Your Biweekly Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 19): Not everyone is a perfect girl, but for this two-week period you can be, even if you’re a guy. Random ant fact: The species Myrmecocystus mexicanus, commonly known as the honeypot ant, has some worker ants whose bodies swell with liquid food. These ants get extremely large and wind up as immobile living food sources for other more hard working ants. #Goals.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You are not a product of your circumstances. You are a product of your decisions. Very bad decisions, I might add. Seriously, why would you want to do an SMP? Nerd. Random tech advice: If you’re using yahoo as an email provider, stop. Seriously, they have more vulnerabilities than a freshman at Mardigreens.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): If you work hard, you’ll do okay on your exam. Not great or anything, but your parents will be less disappointed in you. Random gym advice: If you aren’t lifting the most in the gym, you might as well not be lifting at all.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): These fortune voodoo things can’t be positive all the time. What you did last week is going to come back to bite you, maybe not so metaphorically. You know what you did. Random Japanese phrase in phonetics for you baka gaijin: Uchinonaka no korī ga saikō no animedesu.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): If you don’t know who Alex Jones is, look him up on YouTube right now. I mean it, you won’t be disappointed. The man is a living meme machine. For those of you who know of Alex Jones, you are obligated to buy one order of Brain Force Plus. After all, top scientists and researchers agree: we are being hit by toxic weapons in the food and water supply that are making us fat, sick, and stupid. Recommended peak male performance: Alex Jones.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): Have you ever listened to a song ironically so many times that you begin to unironically enjoy it? Yeah, me neither. I totally don’t have a playlist of Sonic music on Spotify entitled “When you gotta go fast”. Ha ha. Recommended advice: Don’t use your phone to play music in the gym if you aren’t wearing headphones. I don’t want to hear your music unless you’re playing Colors by FLOW.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You might have noticed in the past few days you have seen less and less of your Libra friends. As it stands, they have been inside playing their Nintendo Switch. It could also be that they are trying to switch to a new friend group because their friends are awful. Honestly it’s a 50/50. Recommended page to follow on Facebook: SMCM Memes.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): If you wished Scott Zimmerman a happy birthday in the past two weeks, congratulations! You will find that a happy accident will occur to you in Monty at 3:15pm on March 10. If you didn’t wish Scott Zimmerman a happy birthday that’s okay; by saying “Merry Christmas Scott Zimmerman” every time you see Scott Zimmerman you might be able to redeem yourself. Recommended video game to go pro in: Catherine.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Horoscopes? More like BORE-o-scopes. I don’t mean to be too lewd, but you might get a kiss on the cheek from the girl you like. Recommended book: The Book Thief.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): If you didn’t get the housing you want, cheer up, there’s always next year. If you’re a senior and you didn’t get the housing you wanted, you can always fail and stay another year. Recommended 1,2 Switch game: Quickdraw.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You have a very strong personality. Sometimes this will be to your advantage; other times it will cause friction between you and other friends. But that’s okay, they will probably deal with it somehow. Random thought: Dang how cool is it that the Internet provides us access to all the information humanity has accumulated and most of us use it to browse memes.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): If you don’t have a girlfriend, don’t worry. Japan has some of those 3D waifus you can buy for only $2500.

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