Your Biweekly Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 19): Thanks to its ruling planet Mars, Aries is one of the most active zodiac signs. People born under the Aries sign are meant to emphasize the search for answers to deeper questions – such as “do tennis balls feel pain?” Recommended classic YouTube video: Pancake mines.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): They love everything that is good and beautiful, and they are often surrounded by material pleasures. People born under the Taurus sign are very sensual. Very sensual. Recommended classic YouTube video: Potter Puppet Pals: The Mysterious Ticking Noise.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Expressive and quick-witted, the Gemini represents two different sides of personality and you will never be sure with whom you will face. Someone who you thought was a tsundere can suddenly turn into a yandere. Recommended classic Newgrounds video: Animator vs Animation.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Deeply intuitive and sentimental, Cancer can be one of the most challenging Zodiac signs to get to know. A Cancer is very emotional and sensitive; it can be hard to determine exactly how they’ll take a joke. One thing is for sure though, never make fun of their hair, no matter how silly it looks. Recommended classic Newgrounds video: Salad Fingers.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): A Leo is a pretty okay person. There’s not much more to say about them, sorry. Recommended classic YouTube video: shoes.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): The Virgo, as opposed to the Leo, actually has TOO much to talk about. Virgos are good looking, intelligent, strong, and just all around great people. Have you ever heard a Virgo sing? Me neither, but I’m sure they’d be good at that too. Everyone wishes they were a Virgo. Everyone. Recommended YuGiOh card: Black Luster Soldier – Envoy of the Beginning.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Alright, here’s the deal with Libras: they smell good. Seriously, if you know a Libra don’t be afraid to come up from behind them and give them a good ol’ whiff. Actually, maybe don’t do exactly that, but still. They are not too hard to look at either. Recommended game to avoid: Halo 5: Guardians.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Scorpios are gluttons. If you’re offering to pay for dinner for a Scorpio, that was your second mistake. Your first mistake was talking to a Scorpio. Good luck will come to you, but only if every time you see Scott Zimmerman you say “Happy birthday, Scott Zimmerman!” Recommended play in Rock-Paper-Scissors: Rock.  

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The Sagittarius is a noble creature, but no matter how many times you tell them how great they are they will never believe you. They are sometimes a bit scatterbrained, but that’s just because they believe that life is too short to spend thinking about one thing for too long. Recommended game to avoid: Halo 5: Guardians. I just want to stress that NO ONE should play this game.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Capricorns have an interesting birthday range. As a kid, they probably didn’t have many people show up to their birthday parties due to the proximity of both Christmas AND New Year’s. Or they didn’t have very many friends, it’s tough to say. Recommended activity to avoid: Clubbing baby seals.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You are now aware that you are breathing. You are also aware that you’re wearing clothes. If you aren’t wearing clothes, why are you reading these horoscopes? What’s wrong with you? Why are you the way that you are? Recommended lift: Deadlift.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Making fun of a Pisces is as easy as shooting fish in a barrel. I had many nice things written about Pisces, but I didn’t want to lie. Recommended Fake News source: The Point News.

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