John Cena Visits Campus: A Detailed Report

On February 4th, five-year United States champion John Felix Anthony Cena of World Wrestling Entertainment fame visited campus to host several small workshops and deliver a speech followed by presentation on the physics and aerodynamics of the Five Moves of Doom, titled “YOU WANT SOME? COME GET SOME!”  

As he first arrived in the morning hours when many students were skipping their 8 a.m.’s, he was ushered promptly to the ARC where the SMCM wrestling team and a few other club athletes were up bright and early, eagerly awaiting the superstar’s arrival.  I was, of course, not allowed into the ARC due to the pastrami incident last May, but a very bruised inside source who was sporting some sort of flashy looking new belt gave me an overview.  Apparently, Mr. Cena conversed with the attendees about their goals and ambitions, gave some tactical wrestling advice, and, as expected, demonstrated some moves.  The family of the wrestling team captain would like us to remind you that there is a station outside the great room where you can send your wishes and write a get-well card to their son.  Keep him in your thoughts and prayers.  

After lunch, Mr. Cena met with majors and minors in the TFMS department in Bruce Davis Theater to discuss the more artistic side of his career.  I listened to bits and pieces from the door for the first ten minutes or so before realizing that I was actually eligible to attend thanks to my acting class, so in I went.  Thankfully no one noticed me tiptoeing to a seat, for they were already deep in discussion of the cultural implications and historical influences of Scooby-Doo! WrestleMania Mystery!, considered by many as the high point of Cena’s filmography.  

In addition to the enlightening commentary, he answered some questions from the attendees.  One memorable one was when the person in the seat in front of me asked about Cena’s heritage. We learned that he’s part Hispanic, with his last name translating roughly to “dinner,” a name which this reporter would induce comes from a long history of eating up their challengers for dinner.  His parents took his first name from John the Baptist, because even in diapers he would baptize his opponents in pain.  

I learned some interesting things from the lecture itself, which took place in the evening; the content was accessible to a general audience.  Brock Lesnar even appeared as a surprise guest, and the two had an epic brawl, allowing us to see the scientific principles of his speech applied.  However, it didn’t have the expected attendance turnout.  On the one hand, the admission price for the lecture was $59.95 ($44.95 for DirectTV subscribers).  The Programs Board has another theory, notes the director – “it just so happened that many of the students who had expressed interest in attending had other engagements when the day of the event rolled around.”  “I guess you could say,” Mr. Cena commented about the attendance, “their time is up, so they can’t see me.”

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