Your Biweekly Horoscopes

Are you feeling lucky? Here’s some tailored advice for you to follow this October.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Have you ever watched one of those Chinese cartoons? You’re like the main character. A lot of cool things are on the horizon but you must be careful, your impatience often gets you into trouble. An opportunity to meet your soulmate is coming up on October 17 at 11:44am in the second floor of the library. You should go there if you have nothing better to do. Famous Aries: James Franco.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You may have been feeling like a side character recently, but have no fear. Game of Thrones has shown us that main characters die. A lot. Advice: get a new hobby. Famous Taurus: John Cena.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Being a free spirit is cool and all but sometimes it’s better to go with the flow, you know? Advice: don’t go fishing when your house is on fire. Go to the second floor of the library on October 17 at 11:44am for a pleasant surprise. Famous Gemini: Angelina Jolie.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): You’re a walking contradiction and no one has the cure for you (yet). Lucky spot on campus: the Pub. Avoid the library on October 17. Famous Cancer: Jaden Smith.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): If you’re unhappy in your current situation, have you tried being a theater major? Your lucky color is yellow. Advice: fortune helps those who help themselves. Famous Leo: Dicaprio.

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): Advice: learn to relax. If you thought last week was bad, just wait. Famous Virgo: Amy Poehler.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): While special things will be happening to all of your friends, you’re in for a treat. Your life is going to stay exactly the same. Your spirit animal: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Famous Libra: Russell Rusko (That RA for PG).

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): If you’re ever feeling down, remember that your sign is literally a scorpion. Advice: those who don’t look ahead remain behind. Famous Scorpio: Josh Peck.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Things are looking up for you. Stop obsessing over that cute girl at the ARC and just say hi to her. Seriously. Advice: the answers to your problems aren’t inside your head. Famous Sagittarius:  Taylor Swift.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You may have a lot going on in your head, but don’t forget to take time to focus. Congratulations, great gains will come to you, but if you end up doing curls in the squat rack your lifts will go down. Advice: while your feet are on the ground you will never be able to fly. Famous Capricorn: Jim Carrey.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): It’s probably best if you take a step back and recollect yourself. Everyone needs help now and again. Call a friend and tell them you love them. Song of the week: Logic – Under Pressure. Famous Aquarius: Oprah Winfrey.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): If you forget Harambe this will be a terrible month. Advice: stop watching Netflix at 1 am. Famous Pisces: Jensen Ackles.

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