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The staff members at Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) have reported an increase in students presenting to Chance Hall with what have been described as symptoms of “extreme narcissism.”  After questioning students, the CAPS staff members have traced the cause of this outbreak to students staring at their own reflection in the fountain located in the Garden of Remembrance.

Built in 1934, the Garden has been a wedding hotspot for alumni for decades. In the spring, one can find young couples out for a romantic walk and students searching for a quiet place to sit and read.  It is not known exactly when or how this outbreak began, but once news spread that something was going on with the fountain, curious students made their way to the garden to investigate for themselves.

With at least 20 documented cases within the last week, CAPS has deemed this an epidemic.  “It appears that anyone can be affected,” an anonymous source reported, “first years, upper classmen, a few professors…we’ve seen them all come in with the same symptoms.” The symptoms to look out for, according to the CAPS staff, include: inability to look away from your own reflection, not finishing this sentence because you’ve gone to find a mirror, posting selfies every five seconds, changing the topic of all conversations to be about you, breaking up with your significant other to date yourself, and just generally thinking you’re all that and a bag of chips.  Symptoms appear to start immediately at the moment one gazes into the fountain.

One student who has been experiencing symptoms was overheard to be changing his Dance SMP to a one-man show titled “Me, Myself, and I.”  He denied comment unless the focus of this story was changed to him and only him.  Other students, not currently symptomatic, have expressed concern over this campus excitement.  “This was funny at first,” said one student, “but it got old quickly.  Looking into that fountain just has awful ramifications.”

The fountain is currently being guarded 24 hours a day by Public Safety.  The water has been drained but no one is sure if that has cured the fountain of its mystical properties. As investigations continue, many questions remain: How do we cure those affected? How did the fountain get these powers in the first place? Is the Illuminati at work on the SMCM campus?

If you are concerned about a friend who has gazed into the waters in the fountain and is exhibiting the symptoms listed above, bring them by CAPS at Chance Hall for an evaluation…if you can pull them away from the mirror.

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