Humor Column: A Guide to Getting Someone to Go Out with You

Did this Valentine’s Day end with you crying over a big box of Russell Stover as you shoveled whipped cream in your mouth in the soft glow of The Notebook on DVD? Then you, like me, failed to get closer to completing your biological imperative this year. Again. However, to prevent a repeat in the coming 364 days, I’ve created an ingenious guide for getting attractive singles to notice you. This is my guide to getting creative while asking someone out on a date.

1. Stage a Robbery

How to: Have a friend dress up in the latest vagabond fashion. These days, it would probably be an eye mask and a stripey shirt, or a soiled orange jumpsuit for that real sense of fresh-out-the-pen desperation. Have them confront your potential lover with a water pistol, and threats of “Gimme your cash, see! I’m a wanted man, see!” Then simply approach your chum and give him the ol’ one-two. Observers will naturally assume that your assertive, no-nonsense approach gave the robber second thoughts, which is why he didn’t discharge his weapon. Several reputable TV shows have proven that a person is then obligated to go out with you, as their rescuer. It’s basically the law.

Cons: There a slight risk of failure with this approach which can lead to some embarrassing results. First of all, the rescue can fail. Maybe your love interest develops Stockholm syndrome and ends up beaning you when you show up. Maybe your friend punches back and it turns into an actual fight, all because Steve thinks he’s so funny.  Finally, maybe someone, either victim or bystander, calls the actual police. If you don’t turn yourself in at the scene, you can bet that doink Steve is taking you down for a lighter sentence. As you can imagine, getting arrested for masterminding your crush’s mugging is slightly more embarrassing than just asking your crush out on a date straight out.


2. Fake an Accent

How to: People dig an accent. It masks your mundane existence in a shroud of exotic intrigue and romantic possibility. It’s also a suggestion of casual eroticism, something that screams “Why yes, I have been to a nude beach.” Simply choose a country (real or fake), and craft an accent. We suggest using Inigo Montoya as the foundation of your accent. While you’re at it, why not pretend you’re exiled royalty? You’re already a dirty liar, so what do you have to lose! Simply charm your lover into that outing!

Cons: If you succeed in eliciting a date from someone while faking an accent, you will of course have to keep up the pretense of having this accent for the rest of your relationship with this person, and then in any further casual interaction you have. Worse, if you choose to go the ousted monarch route, there is a million percent chance they will tell someone, and that person tells everyone, and then you’ll have to deal with that cretin Steve calling you “Your Highness” and prostrating himself at your feet every time you want to leave your damn room.


3. Pretend to Drown at the Beach

How to: This is a seasonal dating technique, specially favored for summer loving. When you spot your squeeze at the shore, simply sneak off into the water, and pretend you can’t swim. Flail your arms, throw in a mention of how you wish you could seen the orphans and puppies you volunteer with one last time. Your crush will pull you from the water and perform CPR, like any decent, upstanding citizen. After performing mouth-to-mouth and realizing how minty fresh all those Mentos have made your breath, they won’t be able to resist getting coffee with you.

Cons: So, maybe it turns out your crush is less decent and upstanding than you might have imagined. Maybe it is like you always feared, and they don’t even know you’re alive, even if that may soon not be the case. Or worse, maybe the actual lifeguard has spotted you first, and knowing that mouth-to-mouth is an outdated technique, proceeds to pound furiously on your chest until you’re coughing for mercy. Why, oh why did Steve have to be a lifeguard?


4. Give Up

How to: Realize that this person is never going to give in to your obvious advances and swear that you will never love again. Seal yourself in a cage of in-your-face loneliness and sorrow. In time, this person you’re interested in is bound to ask you what’s wrong, at which time you will moodily answer with a passive aggressive “Nothing. Just…nothing.” Your love will surely be sorry then. The remainder of their nights on this earth will be spent lying awake wondering what could have tormented you so, thinking, “If only I had gone out on a date with them or something. Then our lives would have been so much more complete.”

Cons: The setback with this is that’s it’s literally the stupidest thing on Earth. The only person who will ever know or care that you didn’t get what you want will always be you, if you don’t even bother to ask. I’m being so serious right now. And I know you’re mad right now because you’ve heard this all before, but there’s literally no other option. Be like, “Hey, can I take you out sometime?” and if they say no, say, “No worries, let me know if you change your mind.” Is having to get over someone who rejected you really any better then having to get over someone you’re too afraid to take a shot at? No? Then for Pete’s sake, Steve, will you please just go get some gelato with me? I’ve been manufacturing these fake dating scenarios with you as my accomplice for months just so you’d notice me!

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