Students Protest Lack of Free Food at Lecture

Crowds swelled into the hundreds of thousands
Crowds swelled into the hundreds of thousands

In a show of solidarity for hungry college students across the country, students protested last Friday outside a lecture in the Campus Center against the lack of after-lecture refreshments. About a dozen protesters congregated outside the doors of Cole Cinema to bring attention to the lack of coffee, tea and cookies usually present at lectures such as this one.

“It’s absolutely ridiculous,” said Alex Blunt, ’12. “I couldn’t believe it myself until I read the email [advertising the lecture]. ‘Refreshments will not be served,’ right there at the bottom. Are you joking?”

It appears that Bon Appetit, the usual provider of the food in question, had been told to scale back its operations. Whether that decision originated from within Bon Appeit or the campus administration is undetermined.

“I can’t tell you whose decision that was because I don’t know,” said Ron Goatsman, St. Mary’s Chief of Finance. “Somewhere along the line, somebody decided to cut back. We spent $1 million more on energy costs last year, so it makes sense to trim our budget whenever we can.” He then said as an aside that “no one likes those cookies anyway.”

But clearly there were some who missed the snacks. “What do they expect me to do? Go to a lecture and just starve?” said Theresa Russell, ’11. “This was going to be my dinner.”

Melanie Pilcher, ’11, called into question what this meant for the college as a whole. “It remains unclear whose responsibility this is,” she said as she held aloft a sign reading ‘Don’t Make Me Hangry, Bro.’ “But we want to send a clear message to the administration of this college, that we have noticed the absence of coffee and tea and those tasty cookies, and we are not going to just sit around as our snacks are taken away from us.”

Some students who went to the lecture had differing views. “I really think that we should focus on other problems on this campus, like why the men’s second floor bathroom in the library makes that really loud gurgling noise,” said Paul Malone, ’10. “Seriously, it’s really annoying.”

“Umm, I can swipe you if you want, I’ve got blocks,” said Mary Hunter, ’13, to the protesters. “Anyone?”

Dr. Chris Sparrow, who gave the lecture on poverty in sub-Saharan Africa, could not be reached for comment due to lack of caring.

This article is not real. Happy April Fools!

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