Written by Maeve Ballentine.
Recent numbers from the enrollment office of St. Mary’s College of Maryland (SMCM) have shown a very concerning problem. The number of students enrolling at the college is simply too high and the college is unable to take in all the students that are applying. The college has tried everything such as being more specific and careful about which students they accept based off of their first name. For example, the college has tried to accept only students with the letter J in their first name, however, that has not worked.With desperate times come desperate measures and it is time for students to take matters into their own hands.
The solution for the students is a rather simple one. The college very often plays host to high school students coming to campus with their families for tours and visits. This is perhaps the most vulnerable time for any prospective student because they are considering their options for their future and why they should choose one school over another for their college journey. This would be the perfect opportunity to make sure that enrollment stays at a manageable number and it is quite easy for the students to carry out. There are also ways that a student can be creative in carrying this out. They can be blunt about it and simply say that coming to SMCM would be a bad idea, or they can choose to be a little more subtle. All they have to do is go up to the visitor and say something such as, “The food here is awesome! I just love the taste of radiation,” or “You know the smell of raw sewage is rather nice once you get used to it.” This tactic puts St. Mary’s far lower on the visiting students list for possible colleges. It would also be handy to mention the fact that we have a huge dinosaur-like monster living in the river and she’s getting rather cranky about the water being too shallow. That little tidbit will certainly have them running for the hills.
This tactic may seem dirty or underhanded but it is for the good of the school. SMCM is simply too small to be holding large numbers of students and by targeting visiting students the school does not have to carry the responsibility of rejecting students and possibly hurting their feelings. If this still seems like foul play, simply think of it this way. If SMCM accepted every student that applied, then we would have no space to put them. Residence halls are filling up fast and the school would likely have to change student’s rooms from a double to a single, which as we all know is not a great idea. There will also be too many students in classes as there are not enough seats in the rooms, which means some students will have to sit on the floor for the entire class period, which can have lifelong effects. The consequences of unmanageable enrollment are almost too horrible to think about. This way, students can have an active hand in keeping SMCM under control and protecting the wellbeing of the school. By telling visiting students not to come here or by hinting that coming to SMCM would be bad for them, we are protecting our current students, our faculty, and school.
Disclaimer: This article was published as a part of our April Fools Edition.