St. James Deli Remodel to be Finished by 2045

Written by Kristina Norgard

On the corner of Three Notch Road and Mattapany Road sits a small gas station and convenience store called St. James Deli & Spirits that served the loyal students of St. Mary’s College of Maryland with all of their gas, beer, liquor, and last but not least heavenly deli needs. Have you even ever truly experienced being a student at St. Mary’s if you have not had a slice of St. James’ pizza? You simply cannot graduate from the institution if you have never sunk your teeth into a Ciabatta Dan with extra House Sauce. President Jordan won’t let you walk the stage. 

Recently, to the result of multiple breakdowns across campus, St. James closed their doors for renovations. On the day that this happened, you could hear screams in Waring Commons, Montgomery Hall, the Boathouse, the Target in Lexington Park, even all the way to Point Lookout State Park, students burst out in tears waling to the Gods why this would happen. How could they live without their Ciabatta Dans for the unforeseeable future? If they didn’t open again soon, their entire semester could be ruined by this. We won’t even mention what the seniors were saying and thinking, but there were lots of them pacing back in forth in the greens telling themselves that they will be able to live through St. James Deli & Spirits being temporarily closed. 

We aren’t exactly sure what is going to be renovated at the gas and convenience store, as we were unable to get an interview with anyone associated with St. James. There have been rumors floating around campus though about what is going to be added to the renovation.

“I heard that there was going to be a full bouncy castle and trampoline park added to the back.” stated an anonymous member of the class of 2021.

“I was told by the men’s soccer team that they were going to put in a fish hatchery.” said an unidentified member of the class of 2023. 

The most concerning rumor of all was the one that sent shockwaves all around the county. There was even a low-grade earthquake recorded in the middle of campus when this was heard by the majority of the residents of the campus – students, professors, and faculty alike. The rumor that the remodel was to be finished by the year 2045. We asked some members of the community who had heard this rumor to comment on the idea of St. James opening again only 25 years from now. 

“Dude, I’m gonna be dead by then so I really don’t know what to do.” replied a professor of mathematics. 

“I heard that since it is going to take a whole score and a quarter for this place to reopen that Enzo’s and The Beanery have been in competition trying to see who will crack the recipe for the House Sauce first. Whoever can figure it out before the other is going to put bootleg Ciabatta Dan’s on their menu so they can get St. James’ old customers.” panted a desperate and sweaty pale member of the class of 2020. It was clear they were going through Dan Withdrawl. Something the Health Center has been recently started sending students away for with a pack of ice wrapped in a brown paper towel. 

Whenever St. James Deli and Spirits finishes its remodel and is ready to open its doors again, all the members of the St. Mary’s community will be more than ready to welcome them back to the county.

Disclaimer: This article was published as a part of our April Fools Edition.

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