Written by Olivia Sothoron
The St. Mary’s College of Maryland (SMCM) Office of Public Safety released a statement announcing the formation of a Men’s Volleyball team forming on Campus, made up entirely by male Public Safety Officers. SMCM made an announcement explaining their excitement for the new team, stating that they hope this will give SMCM students a sense of the importance of Public Safety on campus.
The announcement read: “We are pleased to confirm the rumors regarding the establishment of a Public Safety Men’s Division III Volleyball team at SMCM. Our officers have been training hard for this. We cannot wait to see the publicity that will be brought to our school through the creation of this team.”
Within the Capital Athletic Conference (CAC), the Public Safety officers have organized to play against the safety officers at other colleges. They are looking forward to learning from the Women’s Volleyball team, who they hope will be able to teach them about the game itself and how to prevent chafing from the tight spandex they plan on sporting throughout their season.
One Public Safety officer remarked, “I am most excited for the SMCM students and campus community to gain a stronger appreciation for the Public Safety officers. We want to prove to them that we do more than ride around on our golf carts unlocking door rooms and ticketing students who are supposed to be parked in Lot T.”
Some students have remarked noticing the Public Safety officers practicing in the Michael P. O’Brien Athletic and Recreation Center (MPOARC) as well as on the beach. A few college students have reported the spotting to the Public Safety officers on duty, claiming that they had spotted a group of older men in really short shorts playing around on college property. They were informed shortly that these men were merely their noble protectors, Public Safety officers.
A member of the SMCM athletic board noted that they are looking forward to the addition of the new sports team. “We are hoping that the new Public Safety team draws out big crowds and strengthens our athletic department. I mean, who does not want to come watch middle aged men in really short shorts playing volleyball? That sounds pretty great to me.”
The Office of Public Safety is also hoping that the establishment of this new team will serve as a recruiting method for aspiring public safety officers around the country. One Public Safety officer explained, “We are hoping that people will see that we have a Public Safety Men’s Volleyball team and will want to work at SMCM. That way, we can try to keep Public Safety officers for more than just a few months at a time.”
The Public Safety Men’s Volleyball team will make its debut in the fall of 2020 in the main gym of the MPOARC. They are asking SMCM students, staff and faculty to clear their schedules for the afternoon of August 28, when they will be going up against the officers from Christopher Newport University.
If you are into volleyball or middle aged, unathletic men in really short shorts, be sure to come out and support your very own SMCM Public Safety Men’s Volleyball team.
Disclaimer: This article was published as a part of our April Fools Edition.