Written by Maeve Ballentine.
The St. Mary’s River is one of the most beautiful sights on campus and one of the most popular spots for student hangouts. Students and family members love swimming, kayaking, paddle boarding in the cool waters on hot days, enjoying picnics, and spending time out in nature. However there is one very important member of the school who is not happy with the state of the river.
The St. Mary’s Loch Ness monster, dubbed by some students as Nessie the Second, has been residing in the St. Mary’s River since 1969, at least that is when someone finally took notice of her. She claims to have been there much longer but kept her head down and is not a rampant attention seeker like her sister over in Scotland. However with the river being too shallow to accommodate her, she felt compelled to finally put her flipper down and make her voice heard. Several of the students agree with her. The river is simply too shallow to hold a monster of her size and it is both ethically unacceptable and wildly unfair. She has been an important member of our school for decades and deserves much better. This issue raises the question of the ethical treatment of Nessie the Second. She is most certainly not given the treatment that she deserves. She is feeling cramped and crowded due the river’s shallowness and small size. She badly wants to stay at the school but she may be forced to leave if something does not change, and that is the last thing students want. Nessie the Second is a vital part of our college experience. Every St. Mary’s student fondly looks back on their first time getting dared to row out to the middle of the river in the dead of night and finding the dreaded St. Mary’s Loch Ness monster and alums have gone on record saying that they would gladly come back to visit Nessie the Second time and time again.
In addition to that, Nessie the Second is also responsible for keeping out pesky Kappas, preventing water witches from targeting students, and makes sure that Poseidon stays in his own lane. If she leaves, who knows what disaster it could spell for the school. There could be floods due to raging untamed waters, river spirits running rampant around our beautiful campus, causing mischief and wreaking havoc. We need Nessie the Second and fixing the situation with the river may be the perfect thing to show her how much we appreciate her. It would be a very simple fix, just drive a bulldozer and dump truck to the bottom of the river and dig a few thousand feet down to allow Nessie the Second some more space. Getting the equipment back up to the surface might be a bit of a problem but it would be worth it to give our favorite reptile a much larger and more accommodating space to live and swim.
Disclaimer: This article was published as a part of our April Fools Edition.