Great Room Soft Serve Found to Contain Trace Amounts of Laxatives

Written by Rebecca Raub.

Recently, many students at St. Mary’s College of Maryland (SMCM) have been complaining of stomach issues, especially right after eating at the Great Room. In a survey of a wide range of SMCM students, 80% shared that they have experienced this phenomenon. In particular, it seems that the soft serve machine may be the culprit, as all of the students that shared that they’ve been having these issues have one thing in common: the preference of having ice cream as a dessert after meals. 

A freshman at St. Mary’s, who wished to remain anonymous, shared, “I used to never have these issues before I came to college. I’ve heard people make jokes about the Great Room putting laxatives in our food, but I’m starting to think this stuff is serious.” He went on to say, “Every day after lunch and dinner, I get chocolate ice cream from the soft serve machine. And every day after lunch and dinner, I need to sprint to the bathroom. Seriously- I usually finish my dessert before my friends, so I’ll just be sitting at the table waiting when I get that feeling in my stomach. I’ll give my friends a look, and they instantly know what’s up. They know that I’ll be gone for about 30 minutes and not to worry. I’m lucky that they wait for me.” 

When asked why he did not just choose another dessert, the student said, “Well, I know I might regret my life choices immediately after I eat the soft serve, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take.” Many other students seem to share the same philosophy. 

In fact, a member of the Great Room head staff shared, “We have received several complaints about the ice cream causing stomach problems, but so far, the soft serve has still been in high demand, and we still see many students eating it.”

When asked about why the soft serve may be causing so many problems, a Great Room employee shared, “Okay, promise you won’t tell anyone. But I think I know what’s been happening. I went to my doctor and he told me that I should start adding MiraLax powder to my drinks for…reasons. So one day, I was supposed to fill the soft serve machine up and I realized that I had forgotten to take my daily dose. I quickly brought my drink and the container of MiraLax over so that nobody would see, and I was filling my drink up when my hand slipped.”

She continued, “Next thing you know, half of the powder from the container is in with the soft serve. I quickly mixed it in so that nobody would see what happened, not thinking about what that would do for those who ate it. I didn’t want to say anything to anyone, because first of all, they would know about my stomach problems, and second of all, I’d get in so much trouble. I apologize for all of the bathroom visits that I have caused.” The employee wished to be kept anonymous.

It seems that this may be the reason for laxatives being found in the soft serve, however, the employee assured me that this will never happen again. Although this may urge people eating in the Great Room to stay away from the soft serve, a little bit of laxatives won’t hurt you, plus there is no other place on campus to get soft serve.

Disclaimer: This article was published as a part of our April Fools Edition.

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