Horoscopes

Aries 

The moon beckons you to instigate petty fights– honk your horn in traffic, spend extra time in the bathroom to spite your roommate who presumes everyone likes their music taste, and spread your belongings across a large swath of the communal study table at the local Starbucks. You are the protagonist of your life, but also of everyone else’s, so why shouldn’t you claim what’s yours?

Taurus

Some flowers bloom in the winter. Unfortunately, no one leaves their house to see them–or they’re just covered in snow. Likewise, you will flourish this winter with no one around to see. Learn to be your own audience, or just post excessively on social media for fleeting validation.

Gemini

Some signs are simply better than others. Geminis aren’t one of them, but due to their unique manipulative capabilities, they’re at least able to give off a corresponding impression– and that’s the trick. If no one knows it’s a veneer, is there a difference between superficiality and substance?

Cancer

The judge and the jury have left the courthouse. The gavel resting on the podium beckons you. Be your own judge and tribunal. You may not have committed any crimes, but it’s never a bad time to turn a scrutinizing eye upon your actions in anticipation of the New Year. Especially if you’ve been to any of the sports formals that have happened recently. Then you’ve probably done something regrettable. 

Leo

Horseshoe crabs have blue blood that reacts to bacteria in a unique way, which is why we use them to test the purity of vaccines. Likewise, your blood can be harvested for beneficial purposes. If eligible, donate to a blood bank and accrue some good karma. 

Virgo

Like Kirby in Super Smash Bros, you tend to swallow the people in your life, adopt their qualities, and then spit them out only to utilize their own weapons against them. Now is a good time to introspectively evaluate this pattern. 

Libra

Tides turn, seasons change, crabs and snakes shed their shells and skins, flowers and trees bloom and die, but for some reason you’re static like a heavy boulder. If you want to change, you’ll need someone to prompt you. If not, then I guess constants are comforting, sometimes. 

Scorpio

Jealousy’s the ugliest trait, according to Ms. Lauryn Hill. Try not to be too green this Christmas season, even if your sister gets the Balenciagas you’ve been pining after for several months. Some gifts are better than others– like the fact that no one trusts anyone with $400 shoes. 

Sagittarius

The universe beckons you to spend the rest of your flex before the end of the semester. Meet me by the fountain. I have a coffee addiction and several other requests. Alternatively, you could donate some canned foods to the campus pantry.  

Capricorn

Whether or not Krampus or Santa Claus visits you this non-denominational, secular holiday season depends upon the extent to which you let people merge on the beltway on your way back from campus. When the infamous goat-devil of Christian European lore feasts upon your torso glutted with sugar cookies and eggnog, you’ll know whose responsibility it was to prevent this grisly fate. 

Aquarius

Life is a rollercoaster. Time is fake. Emotions are a circle and laughter is right next to tears. Put on your fuzzy slippers, paint your nails, sip pinot grigio from a Target glass that says “live laugh love,” and lament your recent divorce. Winter is for me-time, and you’re no exception, Aquarius. Stay strong.

PiscesPut down your copy of Sartre’s No Exit, extinguish your cigarette, and learn to celebrate the New Year earnestly instead of ranting about how time is a construct and the Gregorian calendar is wrong. Your New Year’s kiss? They don’t want to hear about how it actually takes 365.24219 days for the earth to orbit the sun. They just want debt forgiveness and a hot significant other.

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