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Your Bi-Weekly Horoscopes for May 1 – May 15

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

After an exhausting week of service projects, performance rehearsals, and turning in SMPs, you should feel as if you’ve finally earned a good long break from work. Your impending finals disagree, however.

Recommended activity: Expand your empire by marrying your heir to a rival.

Gemini (May 21-June 20):

May 1st is approaching rapidly and with it, May Day. Despite your best efforts, there will be no escaping the hordes of naked seniors running amok across campus. Escape is your only chance of surviving unscathed. Run.

Recommended activity: Buy a trophy for yourself because hey, you’ve earned it.

Cancer (June 21-July 22):

You expected finals to be your biggest worry this time of year, but honestly, all that matters right now is Endgame and tonight’s episode of Game of Thrones.

Recommended activity: Hold a candlelight vigil for each of your favorite characters that dies.

Leo (July 23-August 22):

Remember, early to bed and early to rise makes you healthy, wealthy, wise, and socially dead.

Recommended activity: Go on tornado watch.

Virgo (August 23-September 22):

You can’t help but feel socially responsible after having made countless plans with all your friends to get together over the summer which you will doubtlessly abandon as the date approaches so that you may live out the next three months in sweet solitude.

Recommended activity: Sit backwards in a chair and tell students to forget everything they know about calculus.

Libra (September 23-October 22):

Your summer plans for a great backpacking trip have been curtailed by the realization that you lack the proper footwear. Don’t worry though, as Public Safety has plenty of boots to go around!

Recommended activity: Park in the correct lot.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21):

Senior Assassins is over, and those of you who won honestly can’t help but wonder if the $19 pay out was worth the horrific stress of it all. At least you have bragging rights.

Recommended activity: Switch to Geico and save 15% or more.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21):

It has been one year now since the premiere of St. Mary’s own theatrical phenomenon Beyond the Sunset, and honestly, you can’t help but acknowledge that the play was the peak of human culture and that everything is downhill from here.

Recommended activity: Make a bassoon cover band.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19):

Your exciting plans for your summer job at the local waterpark will soon sour once you realize that all waterparks are desolate hellscapes and are likely the deepest pits of Hell.

Recommended activity: Combine the icing of two Megastuff Oreos together into a Gigastuff Oreo.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18):

With summer just around the corner, you are preparing to demonstrate your utter lack of personal growth as you fall directly back into the same routines you held in high school.

Recommended activity: Don’t spoil Endgame.

Pisces (February 19-March 20):

It’s almost May, which means that it’s almost only seven months until Christmas! Now is the time to start blasting holiday music as loudly as you can everywhere you go.

Recommended activity: Build a brick pizza oven.

Aries (March 21-April 19):

In a shocking turn of events, I will be nice to Aries this issue. Don’t make me regret this.

Recommended activity: Do a cool flip.

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