#weouttahere Brexit Escalates, the UK Decides to Leave the Earth

On Apr. 1, a tweet by PM Theresa May sent both the UK and the rest of the planet into a panic after it announced that, in an escalation of Brexit, the United Kingdom has decided to leave Earth. The tweet, which was posted at 8:45 a.m. read, “Breaking: Brexit to Leave the Earth” inciting the new hashtags #weouttahere and #seeyasuckers.

Objections to the protest have been raised around the globe. Concerns include falling into the ginormous crater the departure will leave in the planet. “It’s a really, really far fall,” a worried citizen of Ireland told The Point News. “Who knows what’s down there.” Already, flimsy knee-high ropes that won’t prevent any falls-to-the-death are being placed around the Ireland/Northern Ireland border.

The production of Warning signs within the country has spiked, as factories struggle to output enough product to span the soon-to-be gigantic crevice. Despite these rather useless precautions, however, tensions are still high within the area. Amidst this atmosphere of general panic, Netflix has announced a new high-budget film “Chaos Ascending,” which will chronicle both Brexit and the lives of those who live on the border of the soon-to-be deathpit.  

Experts, however, question the technical possibility of Brexit. Jimmy Neutron, who has been working with political space withdrawal cases since he was seven years old, says he doubts that Brexit is entirely practical. He especially warns of the danger from BBC and pop culture fans across the globe.

He emphasizes the impact of the withdrawal of people such as Benedict Cumberbatch, Zayn Malik, or Matt Smith will have on the general population of Earth. “I don’t think the British government has fully taken into account the impact of these forces in their calculations.” He urges the people working on the project to redo their calculations, taking into account the full might of middle school and high school fandoms.

Meanwhile, the specifics of the ultimate plan remains in doubt. Officials involved in the process are allegedly debating precisely how much force is needed to project the massive landmass into space.

Technicalities, however, are only a minor consideration. “Whether we have seven blasters or none, we’re going to go ahead to launch on the date planned,” an anonymous member of Parliament said in an interview. When asked, he seems unconcerned that it is impossible to launch with zero blasters, an oversight that Neutron emphasizes to be a “huge mistake.”

The date set for the departure is Apr. 1, 2020, precisely a year from the original announcement. Despite the technology being decades away from ready, the country says they are “fully prepared” to go ahead with the launch. Political and science experts around the world are confident that Brexit will be able to succeed in the given time frame, “give or take a couple of centuries.”

The only question that remains, then, is where Brexit will take the country. Mars, the moon, and Jupiter are all open for speculation. Votes to pick a planet and galaxy are meant to be underway by 2035, a problematic 15 years after the planned launching of Brexit.

Wherever Brexit takes the country and what they will do in these 15 years floating as space debris are questions yet to be answered. For now, the one thing that both supporters and rejecters of the new proposal can agree on is that the potential of the new Brexit is “out of this world.”


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