J.K. Rowling Announces Mascot Scandal

In a shocking turn of events, Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling has announced that Solomon the Seahawk, mascot of St. Mary’s College of Maryland, had a sexual relationship with Sammy the Seagull, mascot of Salisbury University.

Rowling uncovered the scandal in the form of a tweet. She posted, “I thought I made the sexual tension between Sammy and Solomon quite obvious.” According to Rowling, the very title of the fifth Harry Potter book, The Order of the Phoenix, was a direct reference to the tryst. “The bird represents the fact that they are both birds,” she explained. “And the fact that it is a phoenix refers to the flames of passion between them.”

The reveal was one of many in a long string of unprecedented announcements about the Harry Potter series that no one really needed or wanted, such as the fact that Dumbledore is gay and had an “intense sexual relationship” with Grindelwald. It appears that Ms. Rowling’s knowledge of the intimate relationships between characters extends to school mascots as well.

Neither Solomon nor Sammy could be reached for comment, which has lead some to question the validity of Rowling’s claim. One theory is that Rowling is using the supposed scandal as a marketing gimmick for her next Potterverse media project, a detailed flowchart that will map out all the romantic and sexual relationships in the series, including that of the animals. Where Solomon and Sammy fit into that flowchart is still unknown, but Rowling seems to have big plans, calling it “the most ambitious crossover event in history.”

Whether or not this is true, however, the claim had heavy impacts on both campuses, staff and students alike. Administration is concerned about how the scandal will reflect on the school’s image. Rumors have even been circulating about revoking the National Honors College title in response. “How can we call ourselves an honorable institution,” one staff member said, “When our mascot is fraternizing with the enemy?”

Students are also deeply shaken by the reveal. “I feel betrayed,” one SMCM student said. Many looked up to Solomon as a role model and felt that his liaison with Sammy had let them down. Other students, however, have come to Solomon’s defense, likening the two to star-crossed lovers. “Solomon should be able to love who he loves,” another SMCM student said. “We shouldn’t let our rivalry tear him and Sammy apart.”

TPN also got in contact with a few Salisbury students to hear their opinion on the matter. One student asked, “Who the hell is Solomon?” Others declined to comment.

If there is anything to unite the two schools, however, it is outrage over Rowling’s brazen actions. General public consensus shows that students and staff at both schools believe Rowling overstepped her bounds in this case. “I could deal with wizards shitting their pants,” one SMCM student said. “But this has gone too far. She put the reputation of both schools on the line.”

As much controversy as it has sparked, perhaps the scandal is the first step to bridging the gap between the two schools. If nothing else, we can all agree that it is time for Ms. Rowling to shut down her twitter, if not retire altogether.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *