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Dwight K. Schrute Delivers Perfectenschlag Lecture at St. Mary’s College of Maryland

On Thursday, March 21, renowned Dunder Mifflin Scranton Assistant to the Regional Manager, Dwight Kurt Schrute delivered a lecture at St. Mary’s College of Maryland (SMCM) in Daugherty-Palmer Commons (DPC). His lecture covered a wide range of topics, such as fire safety, sales, beet farming and CPR training, to name a few.

A Public Safety officer who was on duty during the lecture mentioned that upon his arrival to campus, Schrute was asked to remove over forty weapons off of his person. When questioned about the weaponry, Schrute said, “I keep various weaponry strategically placed around my body. People say, ‘Oh, it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the workplace.’ Well I say, ‘it’s better to be hurt by someone you know on accident, than by a stranger on purpose.’”

Upon his entrance into the building of DPC, Schrute performed some sort of parkour move, as he jumped off of the wall and screamed “Jackie Chan!” He then stared at the SMCM students—“subordinates,” as he referred to them—as he made his way to the front of the room, and remarked, “Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.”

Schrute wasted no time, and got straight down to business—paper business, that is. He informed the subordinates that in order to live a successful life, one must adopt the rules of the Pennsylvania Dutch Schrutes. He went on to explain that “there are forty rules all Schrute boys must learn by the age of five.” Schrute continued on to emphasize this point with a song, singing “Learn your rules. You better learn your rules. If you don’t you’ll be eaten in your sleep!” One of the rules Schrute stressed most throughout his lecture was Rule 17: “Don’t turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season.”

Bears were a common discussion topic throughout Schrute’s discussion; he indicated that the small town of Scranton, PA has had numerous sightings of bears, with one being spotted just last year. During the question portion of the lecture, a SMCM subordinate raised their hand and asked Schrute what kind of bear is best. To which Schrute responded, “that’s a ridiculous question,” before calling the student an “idiot” and throwing fresh manure from his 1,600 acre beet farm at him.

Throughout the lecture, Schrute greatly stressed the danger of idiocy. He explained that the best advice his boss had ever given him was to “not be an idiot.” He then elaborated, “Whenever I’m about to do something, I think: ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing.” Surprisingly, throwing manure at college students does not constitute any form of idiocy, much to the surprise of the SMCM faculty.

Schrute was fascinated by the SMCM One Cards belonging to the students. He stated, “Oh, yes. ID badges are long overdue. Security on college campuses is a joke. When I was in school, I went to class with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at sixty pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?”

To end his lecture, Schrute began by discussing his hatred for the ridiculously high cost of healthcare in America. He stated, “In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is “Oh, I broke my leg!” A lion comes and eats you, you’re dead. Well, I’m not dead, I’m the lion, you’re dead!” SMCM students erupted in applause, to which Schrute replied, “subordinates of southern Maryland, I ask you once more, rise and be worthy of this historical hour! We must never acquiesce, for it is together—together that we prevail!”

The next lecture at SMCM will be held on Thursday, April 11 and will feature Dunder Mifflin Scranton Regional Manager, Michael G. Scott. The event will be held in DPC at 8:15, and is hoped to be just as perfectenschlag as Schrute’s lecture.  

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