Fumigation Attempts Only Made the Cockroaches Stronger

Late Thursday night, screams of terror were heard from the first right hall of Queen Anne’s dormitory. Despite the College’s best efforts to fumigate over spring break, the cockroaches are back, and with a vengeance. A local extermination specialist gave his theory about what may have happened: “I’ve seen this a few times before. In rare cases of pests who may have ingested chemical substances, specifically cosmetic products, fumigation may have adverse effects, only making them stronger.” This is especially a concern for Queen Anne, where a major perfume spill contaminated the water supply only days before students packed and left for spring break.

Over the past few days, the halls have become battle grounds, with cockroaches routinely outgrowing residents. Studies have been abandoned in favor of sword fighting to keep the mutant pests at bay. The cumulative GPA of the dormitory, according to the statistics that St. Mary’s administrators keep to pit the dorm residents against each other, has dropped significantly. “My bracket is ruined,” one senior faculty member lamented “I don’t know how it will ever recover.” All is not lost, however, as students in the tournament are awarded points for resourcefulness. In order protect their rooms against giant cockroaches, Queen Anne’s residents have taken to sharpening curtain rods and bedposts into makeshift spears. Cockroach shish kebabs line the hall like grotesque totem poles, markers of the horrors the hall has seen. Many have compared it to Lord of The Flies, but with cockroaches. And girls. “Lady of The Roaches.”

In a strange twist, not all residents find the cockroaches to be unwelcome invaders. The far end of the hall has been dubbed the Roach Fan Club. Cockroaches have become roommates, replacing residents who fled the hall in favor of the safer Prince George and Caroline halls. They advocate for equal rights for roaches, pro-roach propaganda written all over the whiteboards on the outside of dorms. “They’re actually very intelligent creatures.” One member stated, “They are widely misunderstood. If more people would just show up to our ‘Learning to Click: Human and Cockroach Relationships’ seminar, I think they would have an entirely different outlook.” Upon attending the weekly meeting, investigators found two members of the Roach Fan Club locked in the bicycle closet while the largest cockroaches ate the vending machines and plotted campus takeover. Fortunately, the hostages were physically unharmed, but they are seriously reconsidering their club membership.

The power hungry roaches have been apprehended, and are in public safety custody as the college searches the country for a cockroach click to English translator who can hopefully clear up the situation. Until then, the hall lives in a state of tension and grief. Tension for the residents who have to become accustomed to this new living situation and the politics of roach relations, and grief for the cockroaches who are often reduced to tearful clicks as they are forced to pass their beloved dead in the halls when they leave the safety of their rooms in search of water, crumbs, or human flesh. “I almost feel bad for them.” One warrior against the roaches said in a matter-of-fact tone as she cleanly beheaded a young roach hiding in the showers. Until the situation has been resolved, the college has recommended that students remain vigilant and keep the residents of Queen Anne first right in their thoughts.

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