Taurus (April 20-May 20): Nudigreens may have left you feeling vulnerable and exposed. Now is the time to rip the duct tape off your nipples, apply some Aquaphor, and relish in some self care. Do a face mask. Listen to a podcast. Break into an RHC suite and take a bath in their tub. Skip all of your finals. This is your you-time.
Recommended activity: Get a stick-and-poke tattoo in the back of someone’s van. It’s abstract!
Gemini (May 21-June 20): You present one face to the world, and another to your friends. You present another one just to yourself. A fourth to the night manager at Taco Bell. You have too many faces. Why are you smiling like that. Please. Don’t come any closer. You have so many teeth.
Recommended activity: Ascension.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): Back up your hard drive. You have been picking up your laptop by its screen ALL YEAR, and you’re still expecting it to get you through finals? Please.
Recommended activity: Give up dairy.
Leo (July 23-August 22): Buddy, I’m sorry, but it’s time to let Rick and Morty go. You hung on after all that McDonald’s stuff, and that’s admirable, but it’s starting to get really weird and is beginning to affect your relationships. Not even the creators like that show anymore. No one has ever thought Pickle Rick was funny. Your tattoo was a mistake.
Recommended activity: Laser tattoo removal.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Do not use two words where one will do. No talk so much.
Recommended activity: Try Skinny Tea today! A tasty replacement for coffee that won’t leave you bloated or breaking out, and no more jitters! Use offer code “PALIN’ at checkout for 15% off your order!
Libra (September 23-October 22): The end of the semester is almost here. Now is the time to finish strong, do your best work, and steal everything you can from the school. I’m talking Great Room cups; toilet paper in bulk; window A/C units. You want computers? Point News office has computers. Like 30 of ‘em. Come steal some computers.
Recommended activity: Grand larceny.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): The revolution is near. You need to start making preparations, as discussed. Now is the time to hold our tongues and wait for the sign. Remember, don’t to talk to anyone without a face, or with too many faces. Godspeed.
Recommended activity: Date a Gemini.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): You DO need to start that YouTube channel. I read your dream journal. It’ll be a hit. Feature me on it. I do makeup tutorials for turtles and other non-aquatic reptiles. It’s very niche but it’s doing good numbers.
Recommended activity: Have a baby to generate more content for your YouTube channel. Family vlogs get the clicks.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Yesterday’s conjunction between Mars and Pluto has left aggression in the air. Do not waste this opportunity. Body slam a prospective student. They need to get a taste of the real world.
Recommended activity: Play some Fortnite.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18): You will meet your soulmate on a Reddit board where people discuss the lore of Settlers of Catan. Do not trust them. Repeat, do not your board-game soulmate.
Recommended source of anxiety: Good luck graduating on time.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20): Sirens are not actually mermaids. The original Greek myth described them as bird-like creatures, with the beautiful upper body of a woman and the stumpy lower legs of a seagull. You are a fish, Pisces, not a bird. Sirens are not your compatriots.
Recommended activity: Work on developing your gills. Only you will be around to survive Waterworld.
Aries (March 21-April 19): Write down your deepest, darkest secret. Put it in an unmarked envelope. Take a picture of the envelope. Burn the envelope. Take the SD card out of your camera. Throw it in the river. You thought it was destroyed, but surprise! SD cards are remarkably waterproof. The sea gods have your secret now, and they’re laughing at you. Idiot.
Recommended activity: Unfollow Kanye West on Twitter. It’s simply time.