Aries (March 21-April 19): Your aggressive personality and tendency to foster conflict will bring wrath and suffering to all of those around you, but in a way that will send them into a transformative reevaluation of who they hang out with. So go ahead and wreak havoc among those around you, confident that you’ll ultimately be doing them a favor.
Recommended activity: Drinking seven gallons of whole milk a week.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): You’ll have a dream this week in which a spirit guide appears to you on the steppes of the Andes, near the settling place of the ancient Incas. They will impart all of the life advice you’ve ever longed for and didn’t know you needed, and you will forget it immediately upon waking. The rest of your life will be led in utter darkness, like a Chilean miner who never escaped the earth.
Recommended activity: Hoarding scented candles from Michael’s.
Gemini (May 21-June 20): Your duplicity and tendency to slight the people closest to you will result in the ultimate implosion of all aspects of your life. You’ll feel all of the drama and self-indulgence of a television diva going through the same thing, but the ultimate repercussions will be all too real.
Recommended activity: Preparing for the upcoming Rapture.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): The end of monsoon season is approaching, and the crops are flourishing this spring. Tend to them carefully for a bounteous yield come harvest season.
Recommended activity: Crafting wicker furniture.
Leo (July 23-August 22): Your sign may be a lion, but this does not translate into an innate connection with all lions. Do not try to approach a lion.
Recommended activity: Lion petting.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): Your celebrity counterparts consist of Michael Jackson, Paul Walker, Cameron Diaz, and Stephen King. In case you weren’t already convinced that astrology is a sham, a quick comparison of these people’s lives will lead you to the conclusion that the signs have no bearing on reality.
Recommended activity: Cow tipping.
Libra (September 23-October 22): The end is nigh, but only Libras can truly sense the approach of the rapture. Repent all of your sins or recklessly indulge in all of your favorite illicit pleasures, whichever you feel is best.
Recommended activity: Join The Point News.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): This week, conditions will be ideal for you to join an anarcho-syndicalist group aligned with Marxist thought. It may not work out, but the journey will be an exciting one.
Recommended reading: Delay your work until it’s logistically impossible to complete it all on time.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): An epidemic will erupt that will affect all members of the population except those with a Sagittarius star sign. This will be the dawn of incorporating training in astrology into the medical disciplines.
Recommended activity: Pilates.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): The dystopian, tech-dominated world we’re headed for will particularly devastate Capricorns, who are the sign most likely to have used a third-party app that gave Cambridge Analytica access to their friends’ data. Thanks, Capricorns. I hope totalitarian dictatorship treats you well.
Recommended activity: Go duck hunting.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18): As the fish sign, an air of waterfowl lingers about you at all times. If you’re wondering why your friends have been few and far between thus far, it’s because of the stench that inevitably follows you.
Recommended activity: Crying.
Pisces (February 19 to March 20): Despite your inherent mediocrity, luck and happenstance will guide you to tremendous success and influence. You will live out your adult life in an expansive and luxurious Georgetown row home, smoking cigars and making policy decisions that affect the lives of millions of Americans.
Recommended activity: Boating.