wait a moment

Student Unsure if “it counted” Throws One Shoe into Shoe Tree

Disclaimer: This article was published as a part of our April Fools Edition. To see the full PDF version, click here.

First year Devon Ramscock woke up Saturday, March 31 unsure if the events that had taken place the night before “counted.”  Too nervous to admit to last night’s partner that he was unsure what sex really was, Ramscock rolled out of bed and decided to ignore the pressing concern at hand and instead ask Justine Beaver, ‘18, if she would like to join him for a Saturday morning ritual of tater tots with Old Bay in the Great Room.

The senior math major woke up in dismay next to the acquaintance who performed severely below the expectations she had set for herself the previous evening. “What can I say, I was expecting him to live up to his namesake,” sighed Beaver.

After Beaver politely declined Ramscock’s brunch invitation, the first year was forced to wrangle with a difficult question all alone: did all of that stuff, well, count?

His mind was unable to ignore that he may not be able to participate in the St. Mary’s College of Maryland tradition that had first lured him to the school: the tossing of a pair of old sneakers into the Shoe Tree behind Dorchester Hall.

“There’s nothing like throwing things at other things to really get me going,” said Ramscock in an email to The Point News.

The first year was admittedly more concerned with the act of throwing shoes into a tree than ever seeing Beaver again.

“Yeah, you know, I really wanted all of it to be perfect, but since I really have no clue about this stuff, I wasn’t surprised when Justine didn’t want to see me again. But that was okay once I decided that I at least deserved to throw one shoe into the tree. You know, for good effort,” stated Ramscock.

The lone Ramscock wandered out to the Dorchester Hall backyard around 1 p.m. on Saturday, where he was found trying to throw one lone shoe into the tree for a full 10 minutes.

“It was really sad,” sad first year Brendan Smith, who watched Ramscock from his Dorchester Hall window. “We all knew what that meant.”

“Yeah,” confirmed Smith’s friend Ryland Park, “I mean, like, we all learned during orientation that you can throw one shoe into the Shoe Tree for jacking off five times in one day, but, like, it’s just really heartbreaking to see someone take pride in that. We wish him the best.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *