Your Biweekly Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 19): If you see Scott Zimmerman on the path, give him a wide berth. He has perpetual coffee breath and swings his faux-leather satchel without regard for those standing near him.

Recommended activity: Water aerobics.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): I don’t have time to explain, but you need to drive to Walmart. Once there, purchase two garden hoses, one glue stick, and seven bottles of ibuprofen. Bring them to North Woods at midnight on 11/29 for the ritual sacrifice.

Recommended activity: Writing a manifesto.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): This week, you may be tempted to lie about your GPA. Do it. No one will fact check you and the benefits are innumerable.

Recommended activity: Calligraphy.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): If you find yourself feeling stuck this week, think about how Sisyphus is a metaphor for all of our lives and a stable, permanent sense of contentment is unattainable.

Recommended activity: Crafting wicker furniture.

Leo (July 23-August 22): This week, you will receive immense satisfaction from the suffering of others, so go to the library and use all of your printing funds for the semester to print fake parking tickets and distribute them to everyone on campus. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the chaos.

Recommended activity: see above.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): This week, the rules don’t apply to you. Don’t drink water. Blow off your assignments. Go to a tattoo parlor and tell them to just wing it. You, a god among men, are immune to petty things like consequence.

Recommended activity: Cow tipping.

Libra (September 23-October 22): A shift in the astral plane will alter your mental state. Letters will appear as numbers and vice versa. You’ll start speaking an ancient Inca dialect. You’ll forget the faces of your friends and loved ones and flee to the woods to live out your life in a cave.

Recommended activity: Pursuing a degree in Divinity.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Scorpions are cool, but bad grades will negatively alter the trajectory of your entire life. Study hard!  

Recommended reading: The Communist Manifesto.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Your star sign has the most amount of syllables of any of the star signs. I haven’t counted though, so I’m not entirely sure. Your life, like all lives, is finite, and if you spend a lot of time contemplating things like that you’re sure to die alone.

Recommended activity: Carpentry.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): Since you were born in the cold winter months, you’re probably bitter and unfriendly. Try not to bring everyone else down, okay? Thanks.

Recommended activity: Tennis.

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18): Science hasn’t progressed to the point where this is ‘official’ fact, but don’t be fooled. Air signs can flush toilets via telekinesis. The next time you’re wary of touching the toilet handle, just don’t.

Recommended activity: Vandalism.

Pisces (February 19 to March 20): You are an exalted, all-knowing creature with infinite potential. All other star signs pale in comparison to your limitless abilities and talents. Among other things, one of your talents is to brush your teeth without using your hands. Use it wisely.

Recommended activity: Whatever resonates most deeply with your inner truth.

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